Going to the place to get the stuff for the thing

There are three reasons I know it's time for a new blog post:

1. It's been a rather long time since I warned you all of Monkey Doom
2. I am almost over my raging jetlag
3. I have a take-home test that is due tomorrow at 9am... and I have yet to begin

First of all, I'd like to thank those of you who took my warnings of Monkey-Death Encounter to heart.  They will eat your face off and you will not be amused.

Second, I would like to give one last declaration of undying love and affection to singer of my heartsong, Sonya Rae.  Thanks to her, I had one of my best vacations and I continue to be sad that neither of us is into the ladies, because I think we'd be a power couple that would rival Ellen and Portia.

Just saying.

Anyway, here are a few thoughts I've had over the past week:

• Eating Chinese food after 10pm doesn't count

• I wish people here would quit trying to convince me to be outdoorsy.

• I have tried discussing the NCAA bracket with a handful of guys I know here in NC and none of them care.  WHERE HAVE ALL THE MEN GONE???

• Most of my celebrity crushes are age-inappropriate.  For example, Matt Lauer, John Cusack, Jon Stewart, Daniel Craig and Anthony Edwards.

• Boondock Saints 2 sucked giant squid wontons.

• My brother is much cooler than I am.  Actually, I've always known this, but he just left to go on tour and I feel there are few things cooler than that.

• I hate the Toaster Streudel commercial where that snotty girl talks down to her friend with the Pop-Tart.  Don't get me wrong.  I love Toaster Streudels, but have you ever heard any child complain because she got a Pop-Tart?  Hell no!

• I lived in Indiana for 15 years, attended Indiana University and love Gene Hackman, but have yet to see the movie Hoosiers.  And I'm okay with that.

• Eating half a bag of marshmallows and a butt-load of tater tots in one sitting does little for one's digestive system.

• I hope all of Canada recognizes my profession by the time I graduate so I can move to Vancouver, eat maple syrup and be really polite.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch TV for an hour, get some takeout and then consider the possibility of starting to think about completing my take-home test.

Maybe.

Just so you don't think I'm an ungrateful hussy...

...I made a list of things for which I am thankful.

In no particular order:

My brain says, "Thank you!"

 

These make up 67% of my diet.

My future pen pal

My dad's pancakes (and astronaut Mike Dexter)

God help me, I do love good grammar.  And t-shirts.

I like bunnies.  And pancakes, again.

Now, tell me one thing for which you are eternally grateful.

You know, like pancakes.  I hear some people like those.

Oof, that's expensive.

So, it's entirely possible that I still haven't written my research paper.

Some of you may remember that it was mildly due last Thursday.

Unfortunately, my professor said he would accept it later.

Come on, George!

Why on earth would you say that to me?? If you give me extra time, whether or not I need it, I WILL TAKE IT.

Just some of the many important things I have been doing other than my paper:

1. Sleeping as late as the neighbors' damn dogs will let me
   
2. Deciding where to live in 2 years
3. Contemplating my navel
4. Cleaning the house
   
5. Playing credit card Monopoly
6. Cursing the restaurants that serve potato chips instead of french fries
7. Flossing
8. Eating sub-par Chinese food
9. Wondering why the hell it's 70 degrees outside
   
10. Locating a pet-friendly house for next year
    
11. Figuring out why the frick I ate that nasty Chinese food
12. Reading blogs
    
13. Watching two outstanding Tom Hanks movies (Turner & Hooch, Splash)
14. Dancing around the kitchen to In the Heights
15. Making lunch
    
16. Deciding if Pickles or JuJuBe is a better name for a Rottweiler

Which jackass decided it would be a good idea for me to be a grad student again?

That's right. This moi.

Don't let my humility intimidate you.

Boo-yah!

I have now won this award THREE times.


I will never be too cool for blog awards, though. Never, never, never!

MJ, the ever hoot-worthy lady of Tetanus Tomato, is my lovely patroness for this award. I believe this was the post that first hooked me in to following her. Go forth and snort.

My favorite part about receiving this award?

I GET TO MAKE A LIST. ABOUT ME.

Ten Honest Things About Me:

1. I prefer Anthony Edwards to both George Clooney and Noah Wyle.
2. I have a whole mess of Mormon friends.
3. My mom and I both giggle when we say "Harris Teeter".
4. I think every engaged couple should have premarital counseling.
5. I prefer the term "Jersey plates" to "tramp stamp".
6. Even though I felt badly for Taylor Swift at the VMA's, I still can't stand her music.
7. I want to be the redheaded clogger in the Folger's commercial.
8. Despite my sailor-like language, I can be a bit of a prude.
9. I want my friend Lisa of The Blonde Blogette to have her own talk show and I want to be one of her guests.
10. I have to wrap this post up because I need to make dinner before SYTYCD and Glee come on.

I will pass this award to Alicia, Heather and Kelly/Vlad.

These ladies all have the ability to make me pee and entertain some thoughtful reflection at the same time, which is a quality I hold very near and dear to my heart.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my stories are on.

Get ready to heave, Felix!

I find modesty and humility to be two very attractive qualities and I pride myself on generally displaying both of them.

Having said that...


...I KICK ASS!!!

I have received the honor of the Honest Scrap award twice. I am that cool.




Actually, I think cool people don't have to post and brag about their online awards... screw it. I'm not cool and I have another award!

And now, I will share some more painfully honest facts about myself.

1. My brother thinks I blog too much.
2. I don't think my brother blogs nearly enough.
3. "The Holiday" makes me prone to violent outbursts.
4. During the work day, I will not pee until it's backing up into my kidneys.
5. I'm very bendy.
6. I fell asleep during Cirque du Soleil when I was 17.
7. Gosh, I wish we could all live in the mountains at high altitude! That's where I see myself in five years.
8. I tried the new menu at Fazoli's. Mistake.
9. I don't hide it well when I don't like someone.
10. I need to go to bed now.

Thanks to the lovely heisschic from Technical Support for the honor!

And now, I must away to the magical faerie lands of wonder and oblivion.

Or maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Title of the Blog

Guys? This is bad parenting.

For the last two weeks, I've been MIA and mildly dysfunctional, and upon my return, what do I learn?

I received an award from one person, a shout-out from another and one more gave me some name anagrams!

It's just like high school when I would crank out term papers the night/morning before they were due, and receive a B+ for my hard work.

My poor mother has been trying to beat that habit out of me since I was 5, when I would procrastinate on Show 'n Tell. Sadly, it was all in vain.

But more importantly, I got an award!

Deb from Spawnocalypse bestowed the Honest Scrap award upon me and I could not be more pleased. For if nothing else, I do try to be honest in this thing.

According to the Bloggers that Be, I must now reveal ten honest facts about myself in order to properly accept this award.

1) I am pale as the days are long... and I like it!

2) I would like my next vacation to be in Portland, OR.

3) While I'm not happy Farrah Fawcett died, I am pleased with the amount of Charlie's Angels reruns they've been airing on TVLand.

4) I love the word "sluice".

5) If I had to take the American citizenship test in order to continue living in this country, I would be deported.

6) I love the smell of Play-Doh.

7)* It took a trip to China to learn of my love for red wine, green beans and sushi.

8) It took a trip to the Netherlands to learn that I don't like kids.

9) Smoking, bad grammar and morning chipperness are deal breakers.

10) Baldness, tattoos and baking are not.


I also got a shout-out from Carolyn of Team Boo, which was quite the compliment as well!

Then, to top this mess off, I got anagrammed. MJ from Tetanus Tomato threw my name around a little bit and came up with Tears Yarn and (my personal favorite) Antsy Rear, which I have decided will be my alias when I make my move to the adult film industry.

To pass on the love, I would like to hand the Honest Scrap award over to Lizz from One Nerve Left. This lady does not mince words, nor is she ever at a loss for them. She's a hoot and a half. I'd recommend her to a friend!

And now, I must go to Dream Land and let images of Bob Dylan and Guy Fawkes harvesting multicolored soy product in my living room dance in my head.

Thanks again, Deb! I'm pretty full of it sometimes, but I like to think I'm up front about it.

*I never realized how many people don't know that sushi is Japanese food, not Chinese. I thought that was odd.

So near, yet so far...

Not too long ago, I submitted a post regarding something that was "sucking my will to live".

Well, dear friends, that something is very nearly over. I also blame that something for keeping me from my regularly scheduled blogging.

Other things I blame this something for:

-ruining my complexion

-keeping me from my "stories"

-my irregular bathroom habits

-the giant bags under my eyes

-Communism

-my inability to comprehend and complete basic tasks

-The Fray


Now that my life is (almost) once again my own, I will be able to catch up on reading blogs as well as writing them.

Forgive me for ignoring you when you commented, resenting you for your beautiful posts and then for calling you 47 times in the middle of the night when I realized what a huge mistake I had made and how I never had it so good.

If I have lost you, I vow I shall win you back. In the words of Wayne Campbell, "You will be mine. Oh yes, you will be mine."

A Father's Day List

And now, I would like to provide a list as to not only why I love my Dad, but why I like him.

1. I have several friends who think he looks like Richard Dreyfus.
2. He wears a very recognizable Indiana Jones style hat so his head doesn't get burned.
3. He likes to teach himself colorful phrases in Mandarin.
4. He eats slower than anyone I know.
5. Sometimes, he'll take my car and fill up the tank... just because.
6. One of his favorite movies is Funny Girl.
7. When I come home, the radio in the garage, the TV in the kitchen and the radio in the dining room will all be on... and he will be nowhere in sight.
8. His favorite Charlie's Angels cast member is Kate Jackson.
9. He taught me how to love and hate the Cubs at the same time.
10. He laughs through the first 45 minutes of Full Metal Jacket.

I love you, Dad! You're my other favorite!

How am I supposed to get into Harvard if I have no wilderness skills?

In a little more than two months, whether I'm ready or not, I'll be putting on my Student Pants once again.

On Monday, I secured a place to live for my first year of grad school. On Tuesday, I made my Fall '09 class schedule. Since my weekly productivity clearly peaked yesterday, I'm giving myself the rest of the week off.

There are already a lot of things I like better about grad school:

-my schedule gives me one class on T/W/R/F respectively
-registering for classes took me about 10 min.
-every time I call anyone at the university for assistance, I'm greeted with a mild southern drawl

There are, however, some things I will miss about undergrad:

-close proximity to my hometown
-having huge classes so no one notices if I "overslept"
-claiming I can't answer a question in Music Theory because I've been put on "vocal rest"

And still, some things remain the same:

-living in a small, hippie town at least an hour from a large city
-having all my classes in the same building
-ignoring all the nature-related opportunities for camping, hiking, canoeing, etc.

In time, I'm sure I'll fully adjust to the Boone way of life. This will probably involve making my own peanut butter, giving names to all the spiders I relocate to the outdoors and changing my name to Benevolent Ragweed Juice.

That could be a mild exaggeration, but if it isn't, there is no way in Hell I'm making my own peanut butter.

Choosy Hippies Choose Jif.

Where are you? I hear sunshine.

Because my last post was a little on the Negative Nelly side, I thought I'd do well to balance out the universe with this one.

In the style of Taza from Rockstar Diaries, I decided to make a list of little things that delight me beyond words.

If you don't read her blog, you should. She has an amazing ability to highlight the magical details of life.


Things I Love/Lurve

-my Pandora station titled "Crap I pretend not to listen to"
-Bachelorette Mondays and So You Think You Can Dance Thursdays
-Burt's Bees Replenishing Lip Balm with pomegranate oil
-pulling into my driveway, turning the car off and sitting in silence for about 10 minutes
-tall women who wear high heels and have excellent posture
-my cupcake rainboots
-scratching the ever-loving snot out of a bug bite
-rediscovering favorite seasonal foods (nectarines!)
-getting away with blaming products of indigestion on someone else
-living vicariously through Lisa, who just got a new puppy
-unabashedly picking every single carrot out of my pad thai
-pretending the fly that just tried to go up my nose is actually a friend of mine who was mistakenly transformed into a fly and is now attempting to send me messages

A Mother's Day List

This is a short list of just a few reasons why I not only love my mom, but why I like her.

1. One of her favorite movies is Dodgeball.
2. In grade school, she would write funny notes on my napkins and put them in my lunch.
3. She never wears tapered pants.
4. She falls down a lot (seriously, I mean a lot).
5. Any time she turns on the TV and sees Ocean's Eleven, she will sit down and watch it.
6. The only time she really swears is when she drops something.
7. I gave her something called a Butt Freckle for Mother's Day and she loved it!
8. When we watch Jeopardy, she yells "Monkeys!" for every question she doesn't know.
9. She votes for the underdog.
10. She never uses shortened versions for the word "pregnant", like preggy, preggers or prego.

I love you, Mama! You're my favorite!

If you can't blog the one you love, honey, blog the one you're with.

Not only do I like writing blogs, but I like reading them, too.

One of my favorite things to do is search for new blogs. This little hobby I've developed, however, has shown me what it is I look for in a blog. (Does anyone else feel a list coming on?)

Sara's Blogging Requirements

1) I'm drawn to blogs written by people I know. The reason for this is two-fold (hahahaha). First of all, if I'm more familiar with the blogger, I'll be more likely to know what he or she is saying or even how he or she is saying it. I love reading a blog and hearing the writer's voice in my head. The second reason is that, well, if I'm friends with the blogger, I might get mentioned in the blog! Woo!

2) Generally, I'm not a person that likes to read about one particular subject. So, if a blog is only about sports or end tables, I'll probably skip it.

3) I do not want the minutes of someone's day (unless your day was really flipping interesting). Few things make my eyes glaze over faster than seeing something like this:

Hey, gurrlz! So, I woke up today around 10:30 (which is sooo late for me!!!!). After I showered and had a blueberry scone (yum!!!), I decided to go to the grocery store. I looked in the fridge and saw I was out of everything! The only thing inside was milk, ketchup and orange juice!! This was serious!! So, I quickly did my makeup and hair and got in the car to go to the Marsh on 26. It was almost noon, so there was A LOT of traffic, but I got there!

And that brings me to my next blog requirement...

4) ...I cannot read crap. You might think this is a totally subjective, not to mention obvious, requirement, but I beg to differ. While I favor good grammar, it's not vital. All I need to know is that the blogger has a brain. Excessive exclamation points lead me to think someone is an idiot. It's not fair, I know, but there it is. I also cannot handle the intentional misspelling of a word for the purpose of trendiness (e.g. gurrlz, lata). Stop that.

5) I usually like travel blogs. I like when people point out differences that are funny, annoying or just plain interesting when compared to what they know. I don't like, however, when the blogger just dumps all over the host country, the culture and the people. There's a right and wrong way to do this.

Good example: Today, I got into my first Chinese cab. About 4 minutes, 9 RMB and a change of pants later, I had reached my destination. Most Chinese taxi drivers move like they're in a car chase scene from The Bourne Identity and I'm pretty sure I saw Matt Damon's life flash before my eyes a few times. I sure as hell got there in a timely manner, though!

Bad example: China's communist ideals completely aggravate the free-thinking capitalist in me. As I go about my day, I see the occupants of this country scurrying about like mindless rats, never questioning, never demanding. Only accepting the sub-par life that has been forced upon them...

Which brings me to my next requirement...

6) ...I don't do the heavy stuff. I don't mind posts about a bad day, a spiritual experience or a serious topic that hits close to home. However, I don't frequent the diatribes masquerading as blogs. I have no interest in lengthy, dense posts about politics or social issues. Woof.

7) I love blogs expressing strong opinions! Keeping #6 in mind, I think it's fantastic when someone goes on a tangent about their love of chipotle mayo or how much they hate it when drivers fail to use their turn signals. Pet peeves are blogging gold.

8) Finally, I like blogs involving food. If there are pictures of food, I am 7 times more likely to read that blog.

Time to come out of the non-gay closet!

Confession #1: I had no idea sugarplums were real.

Seriously, I only knew of them from the Christmas poem "...while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads". I mean, they sound kind of made up, right? Oh no, they're real!




They're pretty, aren't they? Well, now I want some but I'm pretty sure they're seasonal. At least, they should be. Apparently they're also some form of candy, but I'm completely uninterested in that version.

Confession #2: I don't like Bob Marley.

I know I'm going to get all sorts of hate mail for this, but I felt it was time to come clean. All my life, I'd just sort of assumed I liked Bob Marley because, well, everybody else seemed to like him. However, I had never actively listened to a Bob Marley song... that is, until recently.

When I'm at work, I often frequent pandora. com because most local radio stations make my itchy. Well, due to my specifications for a radio station I had created, Pandora kept trying to stick Bob in there. I would be working on my computer and suddenly the background music would be brought to my attention and I would think, "What the crap is this?" I would immediately check Pandora, expecting some heinous act of musical vandalism to have taken place, but nay, it was just Mr. Marley, doing his Rastafarian thing.





Well, at first, I was downright embarrassed. I would think to myself, "Well, obviously I didn't hear the song from the beginning" and I would let the song go without giving Pandora any input. After the third or fourth time, however, I decided this issue could no longer be ignored. I had to take action! I gave poor Bob a THUMBS DOWN on multiple songs. This led me to one basic conclusion: Senor Marley and I do not get along.

Think of me what you will, kids, but that's the way of it.

Confession #3: Computer terminology means nothing to me.

Okay, here's the thing. I love my computer. It gives me e-mail, Facebook and blogging. Naturally, I curse it with every fiber of my being when something goes wrong, but more often than not, I'm infatuated with it.

This does not mean, however, that I know all about its working parts. I like my car, too, but that doesn't mean I could tell a piston from a fuel pump. In the same vane, I don't know what's on my computer. Perhaps this makes me an idiot, but I don't really care. I'm not interested in how many bushels of ram or fathoms of bytes I have and as you've probably guessed, I have no idea what either of those words mean.

So, when someone tries to talk to me about the mega-furlongs of memory installed on my laptop, I tend to go to my happy place.

This does not mean I can't simulate a conversation where I'm understanding every word. Oh, I can, for I nod and smile with the best of them. While I eagerly agree with you, "Oh, definitely. I couldn't live without my SIMM socket", I'm actually in another land, far away, thinking about Fiestaware and grapes.

By the time this person leaves, I have successfully fooled him or her into thinking we just had a productive conversation.

"I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan." - Bridget Jones

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep. And I fall asleep counting my blessings."
-Bing Crosby, White Christmas

Today, I've decided to take some advice from a couple of dead movie stars, but to manipulate that advice so it fits my personal circumstances and then I can put it into a blog.

Sara's version: "When I'm crabby and won't stop whining, I think of other stuff so I'll shut up and my parents won't kill me."

It's pretty much the same, right? (Sorry, Bing.)

So, in the spirit of attempting not to dwell on the negative, I decided to make a list of things I want to do before I die to remind me that life is too short to get my underwear in a knot. And NO, it's not a "bucket list". Okay, well technically it is, but I refuse to call it that.

Things To Do Before I Die, Get Too Old or Develop Multiple Neuroses That Won't Allow For Travel or Trying New Things:

--Visit the world's largest ball of twine in Cawker City, Kansas
--Learn to make one kind of pie (from scratch) really well, enter it in the county/state fair and get at least 3rd place
--Sing the National Anthem at Wrigley Field

--See the groundhog work his magic in Punxatawney, PA
--Enter (and win) an eating contest (how is it possible I haven't done this yet?)
--Organize a 24-hour dance marathon for charity

--Go to Iceland and befriend a puffin; name it Gunter
--Build (or have someone else build) a treehouse
--Retire to a small town in the south, buy a house with a wrap-around porch, sit on the porch every day with a fan in one hand and a mint julep in the other, yelling things like, "I do declare, this is the warmest summer since Luellen Mitchell's boy went crazy from the heat and pitched himself off the water tower."

--Run a mini-marathon
--Have/adopt multiple children so I may repopulate the earth with respectful, socially well-adjusted people
--Figure out why people think angel food cake is a worthwhile dessert

--Once a month, visit my parents in the home and make sure their tapioca is pre-chewed for their convenience
--Make my peace with mushrooms
--Fulfill my quest to remove the tapered-leg jean from the face of the earth

I left off a few of the more traditional things (marriage, work, etc.) because they're not as interesting, and I'm not sure I feel as strongly about getting married as I do about tapered jeans and angel food cake. Woof.

ABCs (Don't worry, there's only ten)

I was speaking to a fellow blogger yesterday, and we were discussing to whom we like to write. He was telling me he writes to the people he has never met, while I have a tendency to write to those who know me and wish I'd go away.

So, this is a "getting to know me" blog. No, not a "getting to know you" blog. Not everything is about you.

A) First of all, I have big hair. I don't have big hair on purpose, but that's how it grows out of my head. I don't have a lot of choice in the matter. I mention this, because it is sort of a defining characteristic of mine. I got me a whole mess of hair.

B) When I was younger, I used to get compared to several people: Danielle Fishel (Topanga) from Boy Meets World, Daria (I think this had to do with my lack of interest in volleyball during gym), Phoebe from Friends and Jeanine Garofalo. A couple months ago, I was likened to Rene Russo, which I don't see at all, but I ate that up.

C) I like to eat. Now, if you've read almost any of my blogs, this is obvious, but I'm trying to give a thorough introduction. Some of my favorite Lafayette restaurants include Hunter's Pub, Nine Irish Brothers, La Scala, South Street Smokehouse, Scotty's Brewhouse, Basil Thai and Chick-Fil-A (shut up, it still counts).

(In Bloomington, I HIGHLY recommend Mother Bear's Pizza, Runcible Spoon and basically any of the ethnic restaurants downtown that run along 4th Street.)

D) Rarely does a day go by when I don't say or do something stupid. It's like the big hair. I don't have much of a choice in it. The good part is that I usually recognize it when it happens. Usually. Plus, I rather enjoy making an ass out of myself. I figure, it happens so often, I may as well get used to it and learn to take pleasure in it.

E) While I'm generally nonconfrontational and open-minded, I do have a strong opinion or two. For example, Pepe's sucks. I won't eat there and you can't make me. The New York Yankees are the source of all that is wrong and evil in this world, The Fray is one of the worst bands to ever assault my ears and whenever I finish a Steinbeck novel, I hate myself just a little.

F) Though I went to IU and loved it, I harbor no ill will toward Purdue. In fact, as far as I can tell, most IU attendees are pretty passive about the whole rivalry. Now, that could be due to IU's dismal athletic record within the last 10 years, but I think it's just the Bloomington mentality of not getting worked up about much, except maybe a free burrito coupon from Chipotle.

G) Moonstruck and Bull Durham are two of my favorite movies.

H) I do not appreciate people who can dish it out but can't take it. While I often sling out my fair share of sass, I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings and try to be aware of this. However, if you toss all of your piss and vinegar my way and expect me to just take it, think again, punk.

I) Baby talk, mayonnaise and Kathy Griffin make me want to vomit 90% of the time.

J) I prefer a full moon on a clear night to a sunset or (God forbid) a sunrise.

I think that should suffice as an introduction, and I encourage all of you to share some of your thoughts and opinions. I mean, I might delete your comment if I don't like what you say, but feedback is still encouraged!

You know you're hungry when...

... you start wondering if the office ficus has more nutritional value than the pen cap that's already in your mouth.

... you have to reassure yourself that no one ever died because they skipped their second mid-afternoon snack.

... you set up a meeting with Ruth from Marketing because she keeps Fun Size Milky Ways in her candy dish on her desk.

... you start praying that this will be the day McDonald's and Burger King hold a national french fry comparison poll and that they have your number on speed dial.

... "Afternoon Delight" sounds less like a song title and more like an invitation from the universe to help yourself to the bag of Harvest Cheddar SunChips that has been taunting you all the way from the vending machine in the break room.

... you start to wonder if the weird kid in your 5th grade class who used to sit in the corner and eat paper knew something you didn't.

... you find yourself mentally cursing Chuck from Accounting, because it's his birthday but that number-crunching punk decided not to bring in cake.

... the Girl Scouts have filed a restraining order against you during cookie selling season.

... you begin to realize just how misunderstood Cookie Monster really is.

... the hands on the clock start to look like they're giving you the finger.

Ten Awesome Things

Here are the rules as they have been given to me:

You (a blogger) receive a letter of the alphabet from the Great Beyond (or another blogger) and then you (the first blogger) list ten things you like, starting with the previously selected letter.

It's just that simple!

I was given the letter 'n' by fellow blogger Lisa, and I don't wish to embarrass her by giving a piss-poor list. Also, I'm going to do this Letterman-style, starting with #10.

10. Nutella- This hazelnut/chocolate concoction is perfectly divine when spread on bread or fruit, but is equally delicious when eaten directly out of its plastic container with a spoon... I hear.

(**Sidenote: I'm actually having an incredibly easy time coming up with things I don't like that start with 'n', such as Nascar, nachos, near-death experiences, necrophilia, nicotine, Nicole Richie and needle-nosed pliers.)

9. Newsies- This might just be a girl thing, but any movie starring Christian Bale where adolescent, streetwise newsboys sing catchy tunes and dance with attitude is okay by me.

8. Nicknames- I like to make nicknames for other people. My friend Lisa (other Lisa) and I did this quite a bit in college. It's quite handy in a large lecture setting. For example, Country Toes, Man Without a Face and Greasy McGee.

7. Nine West- God help me, but Nine West shoes and purses get me all sorts of excited. While I dream of someday being a hippie that uses no animal products of any kind, right now I adore leather and I adore it in the version of a cute pair of suede boots. Amen.

6. Noodles- I love pasta from all cultures and all walks of life. End of story.

5. Naps- This is one of life's highly underrated simple pleasures. When you're 2, it seems like a punishment, but when you're over the age of 16, it's a gift. If I had come to class in college and the professor told us we could take a nap, well, actually I'd be a little pissed because I probably wasn't planning on going to class in the first place but I made myself because I hadn't been in weeks and when I finally show up, the professor tells us to take a nap? That was not on the syllabus! In any other situation, however, a nap would be received ever so graciously.

4. Newton, Isaac- I know he didn't invent gravity, but I do love that he brought our attention to it.

3. Ninnymuggins, Cotton-headed- Thank you, Will Ferrell, for one of the finest insults I've ever heard.

2. Nuns- Now, when you pass a nun on the street, doesn't it bring a little smile to your face? I don't care if you're religious or not. Why, just today, my mother and I went to Target and passed a nun in the dental hygiene aisle and she was comparing toothpaste prices. I won't lie; I giggled a little.

1. Newtons, Fig- Every now and again, Grady gets such a jones for a Newton that I'm forced to go out and pick up a small box for him. I mean, if I down the entire box, I don't feel that bad about myself. Plus, I actually prefer them to real figs. Have you ever had a bite of a fresh fig? Holy frick. That mess is figgy.

Okay, that does it for 'n'. Should anyone fancy a letter, please let me know and I shall provide you with one at my leisure.

Indiana? Isn't that somewhere in the middle?

While I've lived in Indiana longer than any other place (going on 14 years), I don't know that I qualify as a real Hoosier. This is mostly due to my lack of appreciation of a few select things.

#1. Basketball - High school, college, NBA, WNBA... makes no difference to me. I don't like it and you can't make me!

#2. Watermelon - I actually can't figure this one out. I love fruit but melon, especially watermelon, gets my gag reflex up faster than a cat who licked the Velveeta off the shells and cheese, left out from the night before. Don't ask me how I know that.

#3. Lawn ornaments - You may claim that this is not limited to Indiana, but I think it's an honorable mention and still carries weight in my case.

#4. Country music - I don't even like talking about this because it makes me itchy.

#5. Nascar or Brickyard - This is beyond my understanding. The car goes around. The crowd gets drunk and sunburned. Repeat.

#6. Vera Bradley - Call me crazy but quilted purses just don't rev my engine.

#7. Pure unadulterated hatred of Tom Brady - Now, this is one of the few where I'm borderline. While football is only slightly better than basketball, I do enjoy putting all of my energy into loathing someone I've never met. Especially a celebrity. And I don't like Tom Brady, but only because of how he treated that poor Moynahan girl from Sex and the City. What? He plays football, too? Weird.

#8. IU v. Purdue rivalry - As far as I can tell, this is a one-sided rivalry anyway. This has mostly to do with the fact that IU hasn't beaten Purdue at anything in years and have pretty much stopped caring.

#9. Hoosiers, the movie - Never seen it. Not planning on it.

#10. "Gary, Indiana" from The Music Man - While this isn't a requirement to be a true Hoosier, I just want to go on record as saying that I hate that song and the entire musical that surrounds it.

Those are the unfortunate things that came out of Indiana, but I think there are a few good ones.

#1. David Letterman
#2. Euchre
#3. World's Largest Ball of Paint
#4. The benefit of rolling your eyes when someone mispronounces "Terre Haute"
#5. Breaded tenderloin sandwiches

You know, maybe the Crossroads of America really does have something for everyone!