Shhh, just go with it.

I don't make a lot of sense.

This is something I know and like about myself.  Naturally, it annoys the flaming piss out of me when someone tries to point this out to me like it is a failing.

I find most people do a lot better with me if rather than trying to understand this mess, they just go with it.

This is why I liked my college freshman roommate so much.

For the purpose of anonymity, I will refer to her as Princess Sparkle Jewel Fairy.  Plus, I'm pretty sure she would love that.

Princess Sparkle Jewel Fairy is a character and I learned her mannerisms, likes, dislikes, pet peeves and health conditions pretty damn fast.

First of all, she looks like Barbie.  Because of this, most people underestimate her when they first meet and are then blindsided when she slaps them with knowledge.  Or her ample bosom.  Either way.

 

This is kind of what she looks like.

She likes fans, but does not appreciate it when they blow on her as she sleeps (particularly the oscillating fan).

She didn't really like to shower.  So when she did, I would hang out in the bathroom and talk to her so she didn't get bored.

If she came to a concert or recital of a floormate, she could not sit still unless I gave her hard candy.

She hated when I watched the Weather Channel in the morning.

Before class, she would take an item of clothing out of her closet, throw it at me and say, "This would look pretty on you." 

She was (and still is) so very odd.  I really liked this about her, so I opted to accept it and embrace the crap out of it.

In return, she did the same for me.

She knew I couldn't sleep unless the bathroom door was shut AND locked.

She knew I couldn't go to sleep at night until I cracked every bone in my body.

When I came back from class having failed yet another music theory quiz, she would put on her shoes, pick up her keys and say, "Starbucks?"

If I wanted someone to leave our room, without batting an eye she would say, "My roommate is getting a migraine.  Everyone needs to leave."


She didn't judge my lack of political knowledge. 

PSJF: Name a former president.
Sara: Uhh, Reagan?
PSJF: Good!  Okay, now what did he do?
Sara: Reaganomics.
PSJF: Excellent!  So, what is Reaganomics?
Sara: Small business?
PSJF:  Sort of!

What I'm saying is she and I did pretty well together because we are both wicked idiosyncratic and we chose to gather all those idiosyncrasies to our respective bosoms and cherish them like tiny, quirky chinchillas.

For the most part, I find people are pretty happy to just go along with my ridiculousness.  But every now and then, there's that one person.

You know who I'm talking about.  We'll call her Sharon.

Sharon insists on pointing out how weird it is every single time you say "pop" instead of "soda." 

Sharon is also really bothered by how much TV you watch. She only watches CNN and The Hallmark Channel (of course she does).

Sharon thinks it's really irresponsible that you've never had an MRI despite your persistent 10-year run with hiccups.

Sharon thinks it's really strange how worked up you get about Walmart.  It is just a store, after all.

Sharon can't believe you haven't been on a hike, skiing, rock climbing or camping since you've been here.  It's like you're not even trying.

Sharon, if you haven't figured it out, is a hateful shrew.

The moral of this story is that we all need to embrace the wacky within each other.

So, if your co-worker hates olives because she thinks they're looking at her, help her out!  Get rid of the filthy bastards!

If your roommate can't form coherent sentences until he's had his 3rd cup of coffee, then shut your mouth and let him caffeinate. 

If your neighbor makes his dog drink urine instead of water because it's sterile and he fears parasites... okay, well call PETA because that shit is wrong.

But you get the point, right?

Life Lesson #74

I make few rules for myself.

In fact, I have but one rule.

Today, I broke it.

It was thoughtless and stupid... and Lord knows I paid for it.

I wouldn't even bring it up except that I want others to learn from my mistakes.

It's a good rule, and when followed, it will enrich your life and increase the value of your self worth.

So, without further ado, I give you my one and only rule:

If you must sniff a dairy product more than once to see if it has gone bad, do not taste it. Throw it away immediately!

So, do yourselves a favor. Follow my two-sniff rule.

And don't let the funky mozzarella ruin your day.

If you can't blog the one you love, honey, blog the one you're with.

Not only do I like writing blogs, but I like reading them, too.

One of my favorite things to do is search for new blogs. This little hobby I've developed, however, has shown me what it is I look for in a blog. (Does anyone else feel a list coming on?)

Sara's Blogging Requirements

1) I'm drawn to blogs written by people I know. The reason for this is two-fold (hahahaha). First of all, if I'm more familiar with the blogger, I'll be more likely to know what he or she is saying or even how he or she is saying it. I love reading a blog and hearing the writer's voice in my head. The second reason is that, well, if I'm friends with the blogger, I might get mentioned in the blog! Woo!

2) Generally, I'm not a person that likes to read about one particular subject. So, if a blog is only about sports or end tables, I'll probably skip it.

3) I do not want the minutes of someone's day (unless your day was really flipping interesting). Few things make my eyes glaze over faster than seeing something like this:

Hey, gurrlz! So, I woke up today around 10:30 (which is sooo late for me!!!!). After I showered and had a blueberry scone (yum!!!), I decided to go to the grocery store. I looked in the fridge and saw I was out of everything! The only thing inside was milk, ketchup and orange juice!! This was serious!! So, I quickly did my makeup and hair and got in the car to go to the Marsh on 26. It was almost noon, so there was A LOT of traffic, but I got there!

And that brings me to my next blog requirement...

4) ...I cannot read crap. You might think this is a totally subjective, not to mention obvious, requirement, but I beg to differ. While I favor good grammar, it's not vital. All I need to know is that the blogger has a brain. Excessive exclamation points lead me to think someone is an idiot. It's not fair, I know, but there it is. I also cannot handle the intentional misspelling of a word for the purpose of trendiness (e.g. gurrlz, lata). Stop that.

5) I usually like travel blogs. I like when people point out differences that are funny, annoying or just plain interesting when compared to what they know. I don't like, however, when the blogger just dumps all over the host country, the culture and the people. There's a right and wrong way to do this.

Good example: Today, I got into my first Chinese cab. About 4 minutes, 9 RMB and a change of pants later, I had reached my destination. Most Chinese taxi drivers move like they're in a car chase scene from The Bourne Identity and I'm pretty sure I saw Matt Damon's life flash before my eyes a few times. I sure as hell got there in a timely manner, though!

Bad example: China's communist ideals completely aggravate the free-thinking capitalist in me. As I go about my day, I see the occupants of this country scurrying about like mindless rats, never questioning, never demanding. Only accepting the sub-par life that has been forced upon them...

Which brings me to my next requirement...

6) ...I don't do the heavy stuff. I don't mind posts about a bad day, a spiritual experience or a serious topic that hits close to home. However, I don't frequent the diatribes masquerading as blogs. I have no interest in lengthy, dense posts about politics or social issues. Woof.

7) I love blogs expressing strong opinions! Keeping #6 in mind, I think it's fantastic when someone goes on a tangent about their love of chipotle mayo or how much they hate it when drivers fail to use their turn signals. Pet peeves are blogging gold.

8) Finally, I like blogs involving food. If there are pictures of food, I am 7 times more likely to read that blog.

Ten Awesome Things

Here are the rules as they have been given to me:

You (a blogger) receive a letter of the alphabet from the Great Beyond (or another blogger) and then you (the first blogger) list ten things you like, starting with the previously selected letter.

It's just that simple!

I was given the letter 'n' by fellow blogger Lisa, and I don't wish to embarrass her by giving a piss-poor list. Also, I'm going to do this Letterman-style, starting with #10.

10. Nutella- This hazelnut/chocolate concoction is perfectly divine when spread on bread or fruit, but is equally delicious when eaten directly out of its plastic container with a spoon... I hear.

(**Sidenote: I'm actually having an incredibly easy time coming up with things I don't like that start with 'n', such as Nascar, nachos, near-death experiences, necrophilia, nicotine, Nicole Richie and needle-nosed pliers.)

9. Newsies- This might just be a girl thing, but any movie starring Christian Bale where adolescent, streetwise newsboys sing catchy tunes and dance with attitude is okay by me.

8. Nicknames- I like to make nicknames for other people. My friend Lisa (other Lisa) and I did this quite a bit in college. It's quite handy in a large lecture setting. For example, Country Toes, Man Without a Face and Greasy McGee.

7. Nine West- God help me, but Nine West shoes and purses get me all sorts of excited. While I dream of someday being a hippie that uses no animal products of any kind, right now I adore leather and I adore it in the version of a cute pair of suede boots. Amen.

6. Noodles- I love pasta from all cultures and all walks of life. End of story.

5. Naps- This is one of life's highly underrated simple pleasures. When you're 2, it seems like a punishment, but when you're over the age of 16, it's a gift. If I had come to class in college and the professor told us we could take a nap, well, actually I'd be a little pissed because I probably wasn't planning on going to class in the first place but I made myself because I hadn't been in weeks and when I finally show up, the professor tells us to take a nap? That was not on the syllabus! In any other situation, however, a nap would be received ever so graciously.

4. Newton, Isaac- I know he didn't invent gravity, but I do love that he brought our attention to it.

3. Ninnymuggins, Cotton-headed- Thank you, Will Ferrell, for one of the finest insults I've ever heard.

2. Nuns- Now, when you pass a nun on the street, doesn't it bring a little smile to your face? I don't care if you're religious or not. Why, just today, my mother and I went to Target and passed a nun in the dental hygiene aisle and she was comparing toothpaste prices. I won't lie; I giggled a little.

1. Newtons, Fig- Every now and again, Grady gets such a jones for a Newton that I'm forced to go out and pick up a small box for him. I mean, if I down the entire box, I don't feel that bad about myself. Plus, I actually prefer them to real figs. Have you ever had a bite of a fresh fig? Holy frick. That mess is figgy.

Okay, that does it for 'n'. Should anyone fancy a letter, please let me know and I shall provide you with one at my leisure.

Throwing things always seems like a good idea at the time...

I adore a good hissy fit.

Though I try not to indulge in them too often, sometimes a good temper tantrum feels really, really good.

I think there are (or should be) rules, however, for getting your undies in a bunch.

1. A hissy fit that occurs more than once a month is no longer a hissy fit. It's a lifestyle, and an unattractive one at that.

2. The best tantrum is about something small and petty. For example, "Crunchy peanut butter?! I hate crunchy! Who hates me so much that they had to buy freaking crunchy??"

3. I find it's best to conduct such unladylike or ungentlemanly behavior in solitude or in front of complete strangers in a public area. Your loved ones will most likely hold this outburst over your head for quite some time, bringing it up at large social gatherings or re-enacting it and putting it on youtube.

Strangers, however, will give you PLENTY of room to lash out, as they will most likely be afraid of you, especially if you're on some form of public transportation. You are also doing them a favor as they will have an excellent story to share when they get home.

4. Throwing things feels great. Should you decide to throw something, be discerning. Remember that breakables, though very satisfying, will need to be cleaned up. Also, if you have pets or small children, this can be very dangerous for them. While it's lovely seeing a stack of papers fly through the air, just know that those papers will have to be collected and reorganized later.

I find the best things to throw are stuffed animals, tennis shoes, keys or various items of clothing. Also, it's always best to throw your own stuff, unless this anger is directed toward someone else. In that case, throw their stuff... and the more breakables, the better.

**Please restrain yourself from throwing the following: cell phones, stilettos, food, gerbils, toddlers, etc.

So, I implore you to keep these rules in mind during your next spaz-out.

Hey, and remember, let's have fun out there!