Don't worry, I'll fix it.

I love Netflix.

It embodies all the things I enjoy: watching movies, getting stuff in the mail, the color red and procrastination.

It also allows me to make a giant list, and I LOVE a list.  I mean, I can put anything in my queue.  You know, because it's mine.  And I think we all know that I don't share well.  (If I ever get married, that dude will have to get his own damn movies.)

I put stuff in there that I actually want to see, like The Tudors and weird foreign stuff with Juliet Binoche.  I also add things that I should probably be ashamed of, like Hot Tub Time Machine and Valentine's Day.  And, just in case someone hacks into my Netflix account (because that would totally happen), I throw in some stuff to make me look smart and thoughtful, like Slumdog Millionaire and Schindler's List.  There's also the crap I really should be ashamed of, but instead am totally proud of, like Gigli and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. 

The point is, it's my list and I can put what I want on it.

The one thing that bothers me about Netflix is the ratings system for their movies.

Giving a movie 1 to 5 stars does not accurately portray how I feel about it.

First of all, I need to be able to give portions of a star.  Not everything is a solid 2-star or 3-star movie.  I might think something sucked, but I'll give it another half star because, well, at least it was short.  Or, perhaps something else was pretty great, except for that part with the monkey.  I hate monkeys.  Quarter star reduction.

Also, I hate that I have to give stars to all the movies I watch.  There are some movies that do not even deserve ah star, like Dinner for Schmucks, which tried to kill me like a soul-sucking shit storm.  If I could have given out negative stars, or at least some very threatening frowny faces, I would have.

Another point I find frustrating is that I cannot assign a word or a phrase to a certain movie.  Yes, I know I can leave comments, but it's not the same.  I'll read those comments sometimes and suddenly, everyone's a professional film critic.  People start throwing around phrases like, "inventive fantastical concept" and "stunning visual imagery."  Rarely do people say "gaseous and vomit-inducing."  That, at least, means something to me.

What we really need are pre-determined words or phrases we can select that convey vivid imagery about that particular movie, rather than these rancid air biscuits that get dislodged at warp speed. 

For example, how many of you saw Saving Private Ryan?

Okay, now how many of you agree that it was an excellent movie?

Alright, and how many of you would be fine if you never saw it again?

Exactly.

So, in that scenario, you would select the phrase, "Absolutely phenomenal.  Please don't make me watch it again."

Here are a few more ideas I had:


"I need a shower.  And not in a good way."

"Made me want to hug a bunny!  YAY!"

"I don't think that story needed to be told."

"Wait, you mean I can't get that hour and a half of my life back?"

"Turned it off half-way through becacuse I wanted a sandwich and I never turned it back on."

"If I could have sex with this movie, I would."

"Why?"

"Made me hate myself.  I'd watch it again."

"Loved it, even though I wish Darrly Hannah would stop doing that thing with her face." 

"Tried to watch this on 4 separate occasions and fell asleep every time."

"Ugh."

"I really wanted to like it.  I did not."

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Why  does everyone else like this?"

"Oy."

"Nothing blew up."


These are just a few of some awesome ideas I have for making perfectly good stuff even better.  For some reason, these ideas hit me right around midnight or 1am when I'm really tired and haven't peed in a few hours.

I haven't found a pattern yet.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesdays

Hey!

It's that thing that happens sometimes on Tuesdays when I remember!

Amber did it first!

I'm doing it now!

I don't know why we're yelling!


Hey, it's okay...


...if you forget how to turn your brights off when approaching an oncoming car.  It is NOT okay to then just turn off your headlights altogether.

...to update your Netflix membership from the smallest, cheapest plan to the next size up because you recently became addicted to instantly watching The Tudors and couldn't possibly stop after just three episodes.

...if you make highly graphic and inappropriate noises (much like they do on The Tudors) while scratching one of the 9 bug bites on your feet.

...to stand in the shower for a full minute before you remember what you were doing.

...if you need to drive across town to your friend's house to poop because your "plumber" turned off the water and then disappeared for 3 hours.

...to be in love with your blogsbian Surferwife and to dream of the day you two can live together with your baby Latina daughter, Elephantia, and eat Fritos straight from the bag!

...not to cook if you have a wonderful friend who loves to cook for you whenever she's in town.

...if you watched 20 minutes of The Time Traveler's Wife and spent 15 of those minutes wishing you were dead.

...if one side of your purse smells like burned coffee while the other side smells like a Strawberry Shortcake doll that got left out in the rain one too many times.

Watch, learn and don't eat my cookie.

I have a rather unusual competitive streak.

Now, don't jump to conclusions here. The few times I was on competitive sports teams, I really could've given a tiny rat's ass if we had won or lost. When I got a good grade on a test, I never wanted to compare scores with my classmates to see who got the highest A. It was completely uninteresting to me.

Having said that, there are a few scenarios when I will get put on my metaphorical knee pads and running shoes and start throwing elbows.

I remember a day in high school choir. We were taking the day off as it was a week until summer break and we had just finished our Spring Show. Our director kindly bought us pizza and allowed us to sit and chat with one another.

Somewhere in there, a challenge arose. A friend bet me I couldn't eat an entire medium pizza by myself. Isn't that precious? I won't go into the graphic details but let me just say that everyone in the room got to see something really special that day. My honor remained intact.

A few years later, I was in my Intro to Christianity class in college. A classmate I'd gotten to know better started shooting his mouth off about how he would probably get the highest grade in the class. That's all it took.

I broke my own rule of competitive academics and silently vowed to open a can of scholastic whoop-ass on this guy. By the end of the semester, I had not only beaten his cumulative grade, but had unintentionally achieved the highest grade in the class. (This also may have had something to do with my incredibly hot Assistant Instructor, but that's not the point.) Boo-yah.

I bring this all up because at work, we've recently started a program I will refer to as Walk A Whole Lot For Two Months. It's a wellness event promoting healthy activity. Volunteers receive a pedometer and log their steps every day. At the end of two months, the person with the most steps receives some handsome prizes.

I have no idea why, but I'm already geared up for this. I don't even want the prizes that badly. For whatever reason, I want to be the Walk A Whole Lot For Two Months champion of the world. Okay, and getting the grand prize wouldn't hurt either.

It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine...

P.S. Sara -1, Netflix - 0

Sara vs. The Duchess

I've had the same Netflix movie since March.

This is pathetic.

Every day, I walk past the television and the red envelope on top of it that hasn't moved in over a month. I look at it, roll my eyes and then promise myself that tonight will be the night!

Oh, but it never is.

When I get home from work, I generally eat dinner with my parents and then our evening television lineup begins, and this voids most movie plans. While it varies most nights, it always starts the same way:

Jeopardy at 7:30!

This week is College Jeopardy, which I love because sometimes I actually get the final Jeopardy question right. Then, I do a little dance around the living room involving invisible lassos and fishing poles.

.....................................................

Oh, right. Netflix. So, despite the fact that I will make the same promise to myself tonight, it will, once again, not be viewed.

But Sara, you might ask, why not just send it back?

Because that means Keira Knightley wins, and I will not let that English tart beat me.

So until then, Ms. Knightley- stop judging me or I'll drop kick your bony arse.