Spit take.

If you cannot make it home to hang out at the gun range with your dad come Easter morn, you do the next best thing and head for Southlier skies.

My delightful friends in Winston-Salem invited me for a brunch celebration, complete with colorful characters, squishy children and a crap ton of bacon.

While the entire weekend was spectacular, there was one particular conversation I had with our super sweet hostess that will forever remain as one of my favorite memories.

Because she is a delightful Southern woman, I will rename her "Truvy" for the purpose of this conversation and because it makes me think of Dolly Parton.

Truvy: Sara, I've been meaning to talk to you.
Sara: Oh yeah?  What about?
Truvy: I have a wonderful young man I want you to meet.
Sara: Really.
Truvy: Yes, he is such a nice guy and I've told him all about you.
Sara: Okay... (this was me, trying to remain open-minded)
Truvy: He's an opera singer-
Sara: Truvy, is he gay?
Truvy: (laughs) No!
Sara: Hm.
Truvy: He works in fragrances-
Sara: Truvy, he's gay.
Truvy: (laughs again) I know, I know, but he's not!
Sara: Uh-huh.
Truvy: Now, he is a bit of a clotheshorse, and I know that's not your usual style...

At this point, all I could do was smile and nod because I was so amused, and oddly touched, by the whole thing. 

Later, I sought out my friend Amy and told her about the conversation.

Sara: Truvy's trying to set me up with an opera singing clotheshorse who works in fragrances.
Amy: I know!  He's gay!

This, my friends, is exactly what Easter should be.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesdays

Hey!

It's that thing that happens sometimes on Tuesdays when I remember!

Amber did it first!

I'm doing it now!

I don't know why we're yelling!


Hey, it's okay...


...if you forget how to turn your brights off when approaching an oncoming car.  It is NOT okay to then just turn off your headlights altogether.

...to update your Netflix membership from the smallest, cheapest plan to the next size up because you recently became addicted to instantly watching The Tudors and couldn't possibly stop after just three episodes.

...if you make highly graphic and inappropriate noises (much like they do on The Tudors) while scratching one of the 9 bug bites on your feet.

...to stand in the shower for a full minute before you remember what you were doing.

...if you need to drive across town to your friend's house to poop because your "plumber" turned off the water and then disappeared for 3 hours.

...to be in love with your blogsbian Surferwife and to dream of the day you two can live together with your baby Latina daughter, Elephantia, and eat Fritos straight from the bag!

...not to cook if you have a wonderful friend who loves to cook for you whenever she's in town.

...if you watched 20 minutes of The Time Traveler's Wife and spent 15 of those minutes wishing you were dead.

...if one side of your purse smells like burned coffee while the other side smells like a Strawberry Shortcake doll that got left out in the rain one too many times.

April means target practice

Dye eggs with Mama?  Check.

Attend church?  Check.

Go to the gun range with Dad?  Check.

Dinner with the family?  Check.

Get reacquainted with Target?  Check.

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

 She was pretty proud of this.

I have a gift.  Clearly.

Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

I'll bet you thought I was joking...

Sonya, the love of my life, was home for Easter.

We went to Steak 'n Shake to celebrate.

God help me, I do love Target.  And wine.

I have since returned to the town that is hosting my higher education.

Consequently... does anyone else know who Sheila E is?  I was trying to explain it to some of the people in my program who had never heard of her.

It would've been more productive to rip off my own arm and then beat myself to death with it.

Damn bunny.

When I think of holidays and the mass consumption of food, the first thought that pops into my head is Thanksgiving. Then, I think of Christmas. After that, I might even put Memorial Day or the 4th of July as being next on the list (cook-outs and whatnot).

Well kids, there's a new sheriff in town.

Very rarely does Easter cross my mind as being a holiday for indigestion. I mean, when I was younger, I might've snorked down my fair share of Cadbury Eggs and jelly beans before 8am of Easter morning, but what did I care? I was young and resilient, with lower intestines not yet scarred by Indian food or loose change.

These days, I'm not as likely to gorge myself on candy, but I'm much more given to having a destructive relationship with some mashed potatoes or a basket of warm rolls. Despite this knowledge, I never even saw it coming...

In the heat of the moment (otherwise known as "lunch"), I NEVER think I'm eating too much. Yesterday was no exception. In fact, other than dessert (a piece of pie and TWO brownies), I thought I did pretty well in the grand scheme of things.

Later that night, as I lay on the bathroom floor, hugging the toilet and praying for the sweet release of death, I couldn't help but wonder if this could've been avoided.

In review...
-one cheeseburger
-4 0r 5 deviled eggs (I lost count)
-3 very generous helpings of Mom's cheesy-hash brown-potato casserole
-3 helpings of strawberry and spinach salad
-2 brownies, warm from the oven (the only time I will eat them)
-2 glasses of red wine
-1 piece of Marie Calender's cherry crumb topping pie

Hmm, tough call.