Don't worry, I'll fix it.

I love Netflix.

It embodies all the things I enjoy: watching movies, getting stuff in the mail, the color red and procrastination.

It also allows me to make a giant list, and I LOVE a list.  I mean, I can put anything in my queue.  You know, because it's mine.  And I think we all know that I don't share well.  (If I ever get married, that dude will have to get his own damn movies.)

I put stuff in there that I actually want to see, like The Tudors and weird foreign stuff with Juliet Binoche.  I also add things that I should probably be ashamed of, like Hot Tub Time Machine and Valentine's Day.  And, just in case someone hacks into my Netflix account (because that would totally happen), I throw in some stuff to make me look smart and thoughtful, like Slumdog Millionaire and Schindler's List.  There's also the crap I really should be ashamed of, but instead am totally proud of, like Gigli and Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team. 

The point is, it's my list and I can put what I want on it.

The one thing that bothers me about Netflix is the ratings system for their movies.

Giving a movie 1 to 5 stars does not accurately portray how I feel about it.

First of all, I need to be able to give portions of a star.  Not everything is a solid 2-star or 3-star movie.  I might think something sucked, but I'll give it another half star because, well, at least it was short.  Or, perhaps something else was pretty great, except for that part with the monkey.  I hate monkeys.  Quarter star reduction.

Also, I hate that I have to give stars to all the movies I watch.  There are some movies that do not even deserve ah star, like Dinner for Schmucks, which tried to kill me like a soul-sucking shit storm.  If I could have given out negative stars, or at least some very threatening frowny faces, I would have.

Another point I find frustrating is that I cannot assign a word or a phrase to a certain movie.  Yes, I know I can leave comments, but it's not the same.  I'll read those comments sometimes and suddenly, everyone's a professional film critic.  People start throwing around phrases like, "inventive fantastical concept" and "stunning visual imagery."  Rarely do people say "gaseous and vomit-inducing."  That, at least, means something to me.

What we really need are pre-determined words or phrases we can select that convey vivid imagery about that particular movie, rather than these rancid air biscuits that get dislodged at warp speed. 

For example, how many of you saw Saving Private Ryan?

Okay, now how many of you agree that it was an excellent movie?

Alright, and how many of you would be fine if you never saw it again?

Exactly.

So, in that scenario, you would select the phrase, "Absolutely phenomenal.  Please don't make me watch it again."

Here are a few more ideas I had:


"I need a shower.  And not in a good way."

"Made me want to hug a bunny!  YAY!"

"I don't think that story needed to be told."

"Wait, you mean I can't get that hour and a half of my life back?"

"Turned it off half-way through becacuse I wanted a sandwich and I never turned it back on."

"If I could have sex with this movie, I would."

"Why?"

"Made me hate myself.  I'd watch it again."

"Loved it, even though I wish Darrly Hannah would stop doing that thing with her face." 

"Tried to watch this on 4 separate occasions and fell asleep every time."

"Ugh."

"I really wanted to like it.  I did not."

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Why  does everyone else like this?"

"Oy."

"Nothing blew up."


These are just a few of some awesome ideas I have for making perfectly good stuff even better.  For some reason, these ideas hit me right around midnight or 1am when I'm really tired and haven't peed in a few hours.

I haven't found a pattern yet.