Ding dong! Normal guy in the house!

Quick update:

1) Children of Eden closed yesterday after three weeks
2) I was accepted to Appalachian State
3) I got a speeding ticket on Saturday ($120)
4) Someone who saw the show told me I look like Katy Perry (I'll take it)

Also, these are some of my new favorite people:



That is Lisa, Jeff and Kate whom I met through Children of Eden and this is what we do together. I figured they were worth formally introducing because they'll undoubtedly pop up in future posts from time to time.

And yes, that's a Hawaiian burger on my plate.

Brain hurt. Words hard. Pictures pretty.

Because of this...


...my mind is like this...



I feel like this...

...but because I don't get enough of this...




...and my boss frowns on this...




...I end up looking like this...



...Also, because of this...

...I have been on this...



...which means, I can't eat this...



...this...

...or this...


...but I can eat this...




...this...



...and this...

...not because I want to look like this...



...but because I don't want to look like this...




...so while I want to do this...




...I usually end up doing this...





...even though, on the inside, I'm thinking this...





...so, by the last one of these...




...if you see me doing this...





...simply do this...

Lessons from Stephen Schwartz

As some of you may know, I'm currently in a musical with Lafayette Civic Theater called Children of Eden.

I like Boston. The band, not the city.

Being in a musical can seriously make you crazy, and I don't mean it will "drive you crazy" (although it might). I mean, it will make you drive to work with one shoe, put the remote in the microwave, brush your teeth three times before noon crazy.

Why does Ruby Tuesday have the most delicious croutons?

You won't see or talk to your friends or family for 3 to 5 weeks, depending on how involved you are.

Seriously, what is in those croutons?!

Your coworkers may start to think you are a crackhead because you look like you haven't slept in days.

I wish I could hug my head.

You'll actually gain weight, rather than lose it. This is mostly due to outings after rehearsals with your castmates to grab some food or a drink. You'll tell yourself it's okay to have the monte christo sandwich and two beers at 11pm (even though you have to get up at 6am tomorrow) because it's in the name of bonding.

Poodle, poodle, poodle, poodle, poodle, poodle, poodle, poodle...

You have dreams about the show. However, instead of performing the musical, you and your castmates will be performing elective surgery on your 11th grade English teacher (not that you liked her anyway) but not before your boss informs you that you will be required to breakdance in order to gain access to the space-time continuum from now on.

If Wall Street is in the toilet right now, then why do they still have a journal?

Family member/friend/coworker: How are rehearsals?
You: Ugh, I start grieving for my dead son too soon, God nearly offed himself last night, poor Noah doesn't know what to do with his stick and I can never remember if I'm pregnant or not! (While this makes complete sense to you, your unsuspecting acquaintance who thinks it's all part of your new recreational drug habit, politely smiles and nods, but backs away slowly, being sure to not make any sudden movements.)

Ground control to Major Tom...

You will sing the entire score of the show in your head. The seventh or eighth time you catch yourself doing this, you will intentionally try to sing another catchy, but far more obnoxious song. However, you won't even get half-way through "How To Save a Life" before you'll beg your brain to go back to the musical.

I'm naming my dog Taskforce.

There will be days when you will be so tired that you will constantly fidget just so you won't put your head down on your desk and immediately start drooling.

I'll bet prison isn't that bad.

It comes down to this: you will lose your mind. Your motor skills will suffer. Your alarm clock will taunt you. Your bathroom scale will mock you endlessly. Your equilibrium will become all sorts of wacky.

I have to pee again. Didn't I just pee yesterday or something?

You will, however, enjoy every moment.

My desk does NOT smell of rich mahogany!

Kids ask way too many questions

Conversation that took place at Children of Eden rehearsal last night:

9 year old girl: How old are you?
Sara: In real life?
9 year old girl: Uh, yeah.
Sara: 24.
9 year old girl: That's pretty young.
Sara: Yes, it is.
9 year old girl: Do you have a boyfriend?
Sara: Nope.
9 year old girl: (heavy sigh) You really should stop dragging your feet because one day you'll wake up and realize you're 40 years old with no husband, no children and no life. Is that what you want?

Okay, that's not really what she said. Actually, she just stared at me for a minute and then said, "Okay." It seems like an innocent response, but I still see those beady, judgmental little eyes in my nightmares...

February 1st blew pickled turnip chunks

Today sucked.

Usually, Sundays are restful, uneventful and even refreshing. This was not the case today.

Our male lead in Children of Eden broke his ankle and the poor guy has to stay off of it for the next 4-6 weeks. He was darn near perfect for that role, but now we have to find and break in a new guy. What makes the whole thing really annoying? There's no one to blame! My cup runneth over with piss and vinegar and I have no one on whom I can place all my loathing and hatred. Blast.

Sometimes, when I find my burden to be too heavy, I remember what Bill Murray said in the highly underrated movie, Groundhog Day, and I feel a little better.

"Don't drive angry."

Just go with it.

Oh, cruel fate... why do you mock me?

In 1959, a chemist named Joseph Shivers created evil. He invented...


...SPANDEX.

First off, how completely unsurprising is it that spandex was invented by a man? Forgive me for the blatant sexism here, but I know of few women who would willingly come up with an item of clothing that would cling to every single flaw on her body... and then get her friends to wear it. I can hear that conversation in my head.

Woman 1: Look, Janice! I just created this new fabric and I think you should wear it!
Woman 2: Oh? And what's so special about this new fabric, Connie?
Woman 1: Well, when you wear it, every thing you hate about your body is magnified for all the world to see!
Woman 2: Uh... what now?
Woman 1: Well, except on me, of course. I have no body fat.
Woman 2: I'm going to let your fatless ass get a head start because I'm about to kill you.

I attempted a little more research on Mr. Shivers but was rewarded with little. Mainly, I want to know if that dude was married, because I can't imagine his wife supporting such an invention.

As always, there is a reason for this rant.

I've recently been cast in a local production of Children of Eden as Eve. Given that most depictions of Eve are with little more than strategically placed leaves, I was a little concerned about the costuming. When I asked the director about it, she told me it would be a type of unitard or leotard with some floaty, ethereal looking fabric over it.

At the time, she could've told me they would staple hamsters to me each night because all I heard was LEOTARD. OH DEAR GOD.

I haven't worn anything remotely close to a leotard since I was probably 7 years old in gymnastics (aka: doing cartwheels and rolling around on the ground a lot while a harried looking instructor walked around the room saying, "Good job, Denice. Rachel, tell Mommy she needs to pay me.").

So, I've got about 2 months or less until the show goes up. Now, I'll admit it. The holidays were not so good to me. I eat when I'm bored and I've been bored quite a bit the last few months. Either way, this means the Chick-Fil-A visits will now be heavily restricted, the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls will have to wait and any and all baked goods will be ignored. Most importantly, Grady is going to be super crabby.

I did have a friend who attempted to put a positive spin on all of this for me. Every year, I make a resolution to get healthy, lose a little weight and exercise a little more. Generally, this resolution is meaningless the second my dad puts a big, fat plate of blueberry pancakes in front of my face. However, this year I have a real reason to get healthy: vanity. What's more effective than that?

So, for the next 8 weeks, I will be scarfing fruit, snacking on almonds and will completely cut out the most loved 4th meal (usually consumed between 10-11pm). Hopefully, with the help of this blog and the accountability it provides, I'll have just a little less junk in my trunk by March.

This ain't gonna be pretty.