Oh, cruel fate... why do you mock me?

In 1959, a chemist named Joseph Shivers created evil. He invented...


...SPANDEX.

First off, how completely unsurprising is it that spandex was invented by a man? Forgive me for the blatant sexism here, but I know of few women who would willingly come up with an item of clothing that would cling to every single flaw on her body... and then get her friends to wear it. I can hear that conversation in my head.

Woman 1: Look, Janice! I just created this new fabric and I think you should wear it!
Woman 2: Oh? And what's so special about this new fabric, Connie?
Woman 1: Well, when you wear it, every thing you hate about your body is magnified for all the world to see!
Woman 2: Uh... what now?
Woman 1: Well, except on me, of course. I have no body fat.
Woman 2: I'm going to let your fatless ass get a head start because I'm about to kill you.

I attempted a little more research on Mr. Shivers but was rewarded with little. Mainly, I want to know if that dude was married, because I can't imagine his wife supporting such an invention.

As always, there is a reason for this rant.

I've recently been cast in a local production of Children of Eden as Eve. Given that most depictions of Eve are with little more than strategically placed leaves, I was a little concerned about the costuming. When I asked the director about it, she told me it would be a type of unitard or leotard with some floaty, ethereal looking fabric over it.

At the time, she could've told me they would staple hamsters to me each night because all I heard was LEOTARD. OH DEAR GOD.

I haven't worn anything remotely close to a leotard since I was probably 7 years old in gymnastics (aka: doing cartwheels and rolling around on the ground a lot while a harried looking instructor walked around the room saying, "Good job, Denice. Rachel, tell Mommy she needs to pay me.").

So, I've got about 2 months or less until the show goes up. Now, I'll admit it. The holidays were not so good to me. I eat when I'm bored and I've been bored quite a bit the last few months. Either way, this means the Chick-Fil-A visits will now be heavily restricted, the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls will have to wait and any and all baked goods will be ignored. Most importantly, Grady is going to be super crabby.

I did have a friend who attempted to put a positive spin on all of this for me. Every year, I make a resolution to get healthy, lose a little weight and exercise a little more. Generally, this resolution is meaningless the second my dad puts a big, fat plate of blueberry pancakes in front of my face. However, this year I have a real reason to get healthy: vanity. What's more effective than that?

So, for the next 8 weeks, I will be scarfing fruit, snacking on almonds and will completely cut out the most loved 4th meal (usually consumed between 10-11pm). Hopefully, with the help of this blog and the accountability it provides, I'll have just a little less junk in my trunk by March.

This ain't gonna be pretty.