Oy, with the poodles already!

This is for Kelly from SFTC, because she is awesome and I pretty much do whatever she tells me.
 

About fifteen years ago, I was the awkward, pre-pubescent age of ten.

At this point in time, I was very involved with my church youth group.  Several of my friends from school were in it, and a lot of the older boys that came were super cute.  I mean, why else does one attend youth group, right?

In my youth group, however, was a boy I did not really appreciate.

We'll call him Kirk.

For whatever reason, Kirk had a crush on me.  He used to make this very apparent by raising his eyebrows at me in a suggestive manner and licking his lips a lot.

Sadly, even fifteen years later, I find not much has changed with how men flirt.

It just so happened that this year, our youth group met on Valentine's Day.  The leaders at the time felt it was all too appropriate to make Valentines for each other.

Somewhere in there, our leaders had to leave the room to go downstairs, thinking that eight 10-year olds couldn't get into too many shenanigans.

The suggestive eyebrow raising commenced, followed by the lip licking and then some other creative, yet unattractive obscene gestures.

Being girls, my friends quickly tried to protect me because Kirk wanted to kiss me. 

I was not having it.

What happened next was somewhat of a blur, but I remember darting from room to room with my friends, followed by Kirk and his friends.

He got close a couple times, but I managed to evade him and eventually ran downstairs to our gym because I knew it would be full of grown-ups!  WOO!

Luckily, the other youth groups with all the older kids were already there playing kickball or some other version of organized sports, so I thought I was safe.

I was talking with my friends about how gross it would've been had Kirk actually managed to kiss me when all of a sudden-

WHACK!

Something hit me square in the back of the head and hurt like a mother.

I quickly turned around and saw Kirk holding a book.

The little sexually frustrated shit knocked me in the head with the freaking Bible.

It's one of the few times I wished I was Jewish, because getting hit in the head with just the Old Testament might not have hurt quite as much.

Unfortunately, not one authority figure witnessed it (seriously, where were the adults in this entire story?) so he got away with it.

I think I told my mom when she arrived to pick me up... and I think she laughed.

Communion: Not For Beginners

I like to think of myself as a relatively mature person.

However, I still have the occasional lapse in judgment now and again.

This morning, I visited a new church in a neighboring town.

I got there a little late (thanks to Weezer trying to send me the wrong way down a one-way street) and sat in the very back pew all by my lonesome.

When communion rolled around, I was rather grateful for Weezer's foul-up.

The tiny, compact cube that was passed to me was unlike anything I'm used to having. Now, normally I could have just looked at it, maybe raised an eyebrow and popped the sucker in my mouth.

Not today.

For some reason, I was so fascinated with it that I started pressing on it, just to see what would happen.

As it exploded between my fingers, several chunks flew up into the air and then came back down on my sweater, my khakis, the pew in front of me and into my purse.

The 5-year old in me knows how to break bread like a champ.

The adult in me thinks I'm a giant twit.

Maybe YOU should calm down!

You've probably noticed I have changed my background and my header. Again.

Before you pack up and haul ass, let me explain.

...............................................

Okay, so there's nothing to explain. My background wasn't exactly what I wanted and my header was making me itchy. That's all there is to it.

But now, I have an OUTSTANDING header and a background that does not make my ass twitch (although, sometimes I swear that button is looking at me).

My new header was created for me by the painfully talented and ridiculously good-looking Arizona Lewis.

I'm in lurve with it (and her). I've got major blog vanity now.

Sometimes, I'll get on my computer to read the blogs of others, but I end up just staring at my own instead.

...so...pretty....

Anyway, I feel pretty good about it in general and don't foresee the need to alter it again in the near future.

And now, I'd like to share my favorite parts of church today:

Pastor: We'd like to keep Jo Hannah in our prayers today.
Congregant: Jim?
Pastor: (Looking at his notes) It looks like she is, uh...
Congregant: Jim?
Pastor: ...recovering from something?
Congregant: Jim!
Pastor: Yes?
Congregant: She died.
Pastor: What?
Congregant: She died!
Pastor: Oh. Well, let's keep her in our prayers.

After the service, I spoke briefly with Pastor Jim:

Pastor: Well, who might this be?
Me: Hi, I'm Sara. I'm just visiting.
Pastor: Do you go to App?
Me: Yes, I'm a grad student there.
Pastor: (At this point, he's still shaking my hand) Oh, well we have one of those!
Me: Ah, that's gr-
Pastor: What's his name... it's uh... hmm, he was sitting up front on the far right this morning.
Me: Okay, well- (still holding my hand)
Pastor: Andy! His name is Andy. I think he left already.
Me: Alright, I'll-
Pastor: You should come back next week and talk to him!
Me: (freeing my hand and backing away) Will do! Uhh, God be with you!

They might be a little nuts, but they're entertaining!


P.S. I like to respond to comments left on my blog.

HOWEVER, this is difficult when so few of you seem to have an e-mail address hooked up to your blogs.

Your comments get sent to my e-mail address and when I hit "Reply", my blogging momentum is brought to a screeching halt by the noreply-comment@blogger.com thingy.

No me gusta.

Hook that mess up and make my life a little easier.

Greet your neighbor, fool!

This Swine Flu business is out of control.

I recognize that people have already died because of this nasty thing, so I didn't really feel this way until I went to church yesterday.

My mom and I were sitting in a pew that just happened to be surrounded by a handful of the elderly set (technically our church is 75% ages 60 and up but that's not the point). When our pastor announced that it was time to "stand and greet one another", I shot to my feet.

As it just so happens, I love me a good peace passing. I think handshakes are so much fun, and they tell you a lot about a person. I've discussed my loathing of a limp-wristed handshake before, but just as much as I hate the dead fish, I equally love a good, firm hand-hug. Also, I love to head straight for the older folks. I don't know why, but I tend to get along well with senior citizens and the like...

...but I digress.

I immediately headed toward the woman to my left. I slapped my church grin into place and extended my hand to this lady (let's call her Sylvia). She smiled, looked at my hand, looked back at me and said, "Good morning."

I stared at her for a second, hand still extended and grin still in place, thinking that she was just taking a moment to gather her strength perhaps. Then, Sylvia turned to the woman behind her, refuse her handshake invitation and say, "I'm not shaking hands."

Um, Sylvia? Perhaps you misunderstood this portion of the service. See, when the Rev says to pass the peace, you had damn well pass some peace in the name of good Christian love!

I don't know why this bothered me so much, but I brushed my shoulders off and headed toward the other snubbed woman and gave her a hearty, "Good morning!", which she graciously received and accepted.

In the pew directly behind me was an older man. With renewed confidence, I thrust my hand toward him and said, "Good morning, sir!"

Much like the first woman, he stared at the offending appendage with poorly hidden disdain and said, "Oh, I'm not shaking hands either."

It took all my self-control not to hock a loogie on his wingtips.

I turned to my mother, who had also been ignored by her neighbors, and gave her a confused look. She mouthed, "Swine flu" to me.

Well, freakin' weekend.

I know they're just being cautious and probably quite smart, but this just annoyed me to no end.

I immediately headed to the younger folks sitting in front of me and announced to no one in particular, "Screw the Swine flu. I'm shaking hands!" I proceeded to very energetically greet my twenty-something neighbors.

It felt good and it tasted like victory.