Greet your neighbor, fool!

This Swine Flu business is out of control.

I recognize that people have already died because of this nasty thing, so I didn't really feel this way until I went to church yesterday.

My mom and I were sitting in a pew that just happened to be surrounded by a handful of the elderly set (technically our church is 75% ages 60 and up but that's not the point). When our pastor announced that it was time to "stand and greet one another", I shot to my feet.

As it just so happens, I love me a good peace passing. I think handshakes are so much fun, and they tell you a lot about a person. I've discussed my loathing of a limp-wristed handshake before, but just as much as I hate the dead fish, I equally love a good, firm hand-hug. Also, I love to head straight for the older folks. I don't know why, but I tend to get along well with senior citizens and the like...

...but I digress.

I immediately headed toward the woman to my left. I slapped my church grin into place and extended my hand to this lady (let's call her Sylvia). She smiled, looked at my hand, looked back at me and said, "Good morning."

I stared at her for a second, hand still extended and grin still in place, thinking that she was just taking a moment to gather her strength perhaps. Then, Sylvia turned to the woman behind her, refuse her handshake invitation and say, "I'm not shaking hands."

Um, Sylvia? Perhaps you misunderstood this portion of the service. See, when the Rev says to pass the peace, you had damn well pass some peace in the name of good Christian love!

I don't know why this bothered me so much, but I brushed my shoulders off and headed toward the other snubbed woman and gave her a hearty, "Good morning!", which she graciously received and accepted.

In the pew directly behind me was an older man. With renewed confidence, I thrust my hand toward him and said, "Good morning, sir!"

Much like the first woman, he stared at the offending appendage with poorly hidden disdain and said, "Oh, I'm not shaking hands either."

It took all my self-control not to hock a loogie on his wingtips.

I turned to my mother, who had also been ignored by her neighbors, and gave her a confused look. She mouthed, "Swine flu" to me.

Well, freakin' weekend.

I know they're just being cautious and probably quite smart, but this just annoyed me to no end.

I immediately headed to the younger folks sitting in front of me and announced to no one in particular, "Screw the Swine flu. I'm shaking hands!" I proceeded to very energetically greet my twenty-something neighbors.

It felt good and it tasted like victory.