Greet your neighbor, fool!

This Swine Flu business is out of control.

I recognize that people have already died because of this nasty thing, so I didn't really feel this way until I went to church yesterday.

My mom and I were sitting in a pew that just happened to be surrounded by a handful of the elderly set (technically our church is 75% ages 60 and up but that's not the point). When our pastor announced that it was time to "stand and greet one another", I shot to my feet.

As it just so happens, I love me a good peace passing. I think handshakes are so much fun, and they tell you a lot about a person. I've discussed my loathing of a limp-wristed handshake before, but just as much as I hate the dead fish, I equally love a good, firm hand-hug. Also, I love to head straight for the older folks. I don't know why, but I tend to get along well with senior citizens and the like...

...but I digress.

I immediately headed toward the woman to my left. I slapped my church grin into place and extended my hand to this lady (let's call her Sylvia). She smiled, looked at my hand, looked back at me and said, "Good morning."

I stared at her for a second, hand still extended and grin still in place, thinking that she was just taking a moment to gather her strength perhaps. Then, Sylvia turned to the woman behind her, refuse her handshake invitation and say, "I'm not shaking hands."

Um, Sylvia? Perhaps you misunderstood this portion of the service. See, when the Rev says to pass the peace, you had damn well pass some peace in the name of good Christian love!

I don't know why this bothered me so much, but I brushed my shoulders off and headed toward the other snubbed woman and gave her a hearty, "Good morning!", which she graciously received and accepted.

In the pew directly behind me was an older man. With renewed confidence, I thrust my hand toward him and said, "Good morning, sir!"

Much like the first woman, he stared at the offending appendage with poorly hidden disdain and said, "Oh, I'm not shaking hands either."

It took all my self-control not to hock a loogie on his wingtips.

I turned to my mother, who had also been ignored by her neighbors, and gave her a confused look. She mouthed, "Swine flu" to me.

Well, freakin' weekend.

I know they're just being cautious and probably quite smart, but this just annoyed me to no end.

I immediately headed to the younger folks sitting in front of me and announced to no one in particular, "Screw the Swine flu. I'm shaking hands!" I proceeded to very energetically greet my twenty-something neighbors.

It felt good and it tasted like victory.

"...and then, I will put my mouth on his mouth." - Liz Lemon

Forgive me, but when did personal etiquette and social graces become passe?

I have a dream for my future children. Walk with me, won't you?

To quote Joey from Friends, "'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! I mean, we may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!"

In the same vane, Tyners may not always be on time or very organized. We don't stay up very late, we aren't great cooks and we don't like to over-exert ourselves, but damned if we aren't bloated with social skills and common sense!

I want my unborn kids to be happy and healthy, yes, but I would also like them to not be dumb as a post. Other parents may wish for their children to be world leaders, star athletes or movie stars, but I want my offspring to be witty and understand personal space!

Lately, I've just felt an overwhelming amount of animosity toward people who lack some of these basic skills. Now, I know it isn't 100% their fault, because you are supposed to learn this junk from your parents or legal guardians. Sadly, this is not always the case. Allow me to point out a few:

The Handshake (aka: handshakefulness)

From an early age, it was impressed upon me that when meeting someone for the first time, you greet them with a firm handshake. I adore the handshake. In Europe, they're all about the cheek kiss, which I guess I don't mind, but everyone has different rules about this, depending upon your province, region or country. It's confusing and makes for many awkward situations. The handshake, however, is direct and without frills. I like it.

What I do NOT care for is the limp-wristed, dead fish handshake I so often receive. Unfortunately, these mostly come from women.

Ladies, knock it off!

I don't know you're trying to prove, but all it does is convey to me that you are so uninterested in me that you couldn't even bother to squeeze my hand for 2.3 seconds. From women, it comes off as rude.
From men, however, it comes off as weak. It is unfair that from women it appears as disinterest and from men it shows weakness, but for right now, that's the way it is and it drives me nuts. Come on, guys. Show me you've got a pair!

Hugs

While I'm not a wicked touchy-feely person, I enjoy a good hug. A good hug (with someone whom you are very well acquainted) involves both arms all the way from the shoulders and an excellent squeeze. Personally, I like a hard hug. Similar to the handshake, it shows me someone cares, but there are two kinds of hugs I hate.

1) The face in, butt out leaning hug with arms that barely even lift at the elbow.

It looks a little like this:


2) The Side-Hug - I hate the side hug because 95% of the time, it is administered by someone who does not know or like you well enough to give you the full hug, so it ends up being awkward as all get out and you both just wish you'd never started it in the first place. It might look like this:




Closing Signals

This was recently brought to my attention by my friend, Josh. We were discussing people who don't quite get it when the conversation is over, or that you are, to no avail, trying to end the conversation. Chances are, you've probably been talking/listening to this person for a good 20 minutes already and are now running late, starving or in dire need of the facilities.

Example 1: Joan and Brenda
Situation - Joan ran into Brenda at the post office and graciously listened to Brenda's half hour story about her latest mammogram but Joan has a lot of things to do today.

Joan: Wow, what a great story. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Brenda: Yeah, it's kind of like this one time when I bought literally, like, a million frisbees.
Joan: Ha, sure sounds like a lot of frisbees. Well, I need to-
Brenda: Oh, they weren't for me. I had to buy them for my nephew's birthday. He just turned four.
Joan: Four years old, you say? Man, time flies. So, I'm probably gonna-
Brenda: Oh, he's so funny! He did the funniest thing the other day. What was that? Hmm...
Joan: Well, if you think of it, just send me an e-mail later, because I really should-
Brenda: Oh right! He put the frisbee on his head! Isn't that hilarious?
Joan: Oh my, put it right on his head, did he? Great, well these errands won't run themselves so I'm thinking I might-
Brenda: Oh gosh, I've got like, literally a thousand errands to run today! Where do you have to go?
Joan: Office Depot, so...
Brenda: Is it the new one over by Subway? I haven't been there yet. I've heard it's nice, but you know what place I like? Olive Garden!

Example 2: Mark and Phil
Situation - Mark works the register at Burger King and knows Phil from school. Mark has already taken Phil's order and is trying to help the next customer. Phil, apparently, has nothing else to do today.

Mark: Okay, if you could just step to your left...
Phil: Man, I thought you were gonna give me a free Coke!
Mark: Well, my manager is right over there and if he saw me-
Phil: I'm just kidding! Although, I'm not sure why I come here. McDonald's has way better fries.
Mark: Well, why don't you head over there now? I can void your order, if you'd like.
Phil: Ha, good one! Did you see Jenny Kleinman today? Man, she's ugly!
Mark: To each his own, I guess. If you could just-
Phil: To each his own? Are you serious? She's a train wreck!
Mark: Neat, so if you wouldn't mind-
Phil: Neat? Who says "neat"? Like, people from the 50's, right?
Mark: I don't know. You should ask them.
Phil: Wait, what?
Mark: (blank stare)
Phil: (still waiting)
Mark: Can I help you, ma'am?
Phil: Dude, I still don't get it.

Now, I don't know about you guys, but I refuse to let my children grow up to be Brenda or Phil.

Door holding

I've had two experiences recently where I've been in the situation of having both hands full and walking toward a door.

Situation 1) I was carrying a large, heavy box into a building. There were two women taking a smoke break all of 10 feet from me and the door in question. Both looked at me, assessed that I was struggling with the box and then resumed their conversation. All the while, I was struggling to hold the box with one hand and my knee whilst holding the door open with a combination of my elbow, my foot, my butt and my other knee (it was a sight, I assure you).

Situation 2) I was, again, walking toward a door with my hands full. I was carrying my purse, a laptop bag and a folder full of papers. As I was heading toward the door, a man came out of it. He looked at me, recognized and greeted me and then walked away. Would it have killed him to hold it for 3 seconds? Probably not. Would it have killed me to ask him to hold it? Probably not... but that is not the point!

(Look, it's easy!)

I'm sure there are other social interactions that bother the snot out of me, but I think I've run down for now. Here is some parting advice: if you've already been raised to be socially awkward, I implore you to, at the very least, master the handshake, the hug and the door hold, for these are actions over which you have complete control.

Onward, etiquette soldiers!