Dear Future Mister,
Let's get something straight right now.
I do not need to be fixed. I am, of course, my own personal brand of crazy, but this does not mean I need you to solve or repair me in any way, okay?
This does NOT mean, however, that I don't want you to fix other things.
Leaky faucet? A/C run amok? Timing belt in the car needs to be replaced (yeah, you heard me)?
Have at it, and please don't let me get in your way!
Now, when it comes to dancing, can you be all or nothing? I'd love you to either be on the dance floor, channeling the essence of freaking Fred Astaire, or to stand in the corner with your beer and talk to the other rhythmically challenged guys about football and bodily functions. I say this because few things are worse than a guy who can't dance but has no idea.
Occasionally, I experience some super intense sensory overload. While this isn't an actual condition per se, I flip my biscuit a little. When seven people are talking to me at once and my phone is ringing and my bag is falling off my shoulder and all the papers in my hands are out of order and I haven't eaten in hours, my sauce is no longer normal.
What I'm saying is that I tend to tweak a little in these situations. This does not mean I can't handle stress or keep my cool in extraordinary circumstances. This means that when you see me starting to short-circuit like this, I need you to shove a taco in my mouth with one hand while answering my phone with your other hand and take my bag with your other hand and hold off the vultures with your other hand.
Which reminds me - could you grow two more arms?
Now, here is my gift to you:
Once a week, I want you to go away. Hang out with your buddies, go to your fantasy football meetings or just sit on someone else's couch for a few hours. I'm planning on loving you and even liking you, but if I know myself, I will want you to piss off every now and again.
You're welcome.
Now, go have some fun, you crazy scamp! Oh, and if you need a refresher on some of my previous thoughts, go here and then here.
Pleasant day to you.
*This post is dedicated to the love I share with my blogging lesbian lover, Surferwife. Even if I do meet Astronaut Mike Dexter some day, I shan't stop loving you, or your blog.
In the name of mojitos and nachos,
Amen.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
19 comments:
While I agree whole heartedly about your rules of dancing, I must add an addendum...
This rule only applies to public displays of your dancing disability. Please feel free to shake your groove thang in the privacy of our home. As this will elicit squeals of delight and unabashed joy, and may result in you getting a little sugar.
Maybe that's just me...
I was all fine with this and thought it was funny until I read that surferwife is your bloggy lesbian lover...I thought she was MINE!! Grr!
LOL
LOL! You need to carry a copy of this with you at all times. Just in case you meet 'the one'.
Amen.
And thank you for using the term "flip my biscuit." It really warms my heart.
LOL, I wish I'd thought of writing some rules like this before I got married! ;)
This is wisdom... and good stuff!!
You and Surferwife are a match made in TwinkieLand. So much goodness in 2 tiny bodies. I guess my advice from the other side of the vows would be to be careful what you ask for. I cannot tell you how many times we've had to call in "the professional" to fix something that hubs has "fixed." It's a disease.
Couldn't have said it better myself...
SurferWife is kind of a bloggy whore...She's got bitches all over the place.
A few weekends ago JT and I were at a wedding laughing our asses off at the guys who thought they could dance but couldn't. Holy Hannah there were some white guys with no rhythm and we were pointing and throwing our heads back with laughter. It was a great time! Then I got on the dance floor and imitated my dads dance moves. That was also awesome.
You are a wise woman to let your man go away once a week. Sometimes you just get sick of them and need some alone time. And they need some man time...or whatever they call it.
And don't worry about needing him to grow a few more arms. He will. After you freak out a few times he'll realize when you're about to have an 'episode' and his extra arms will appear! It's magical.
Only one thing worse than Mr Can't Dance But Doesn't Know It and that's Mr Can't Sing But Doesn't Know It.
A Mrs Can't Sing Or Dance But Know's It, I love to sing and dance but wouldn't inflect either on the general public.
That reminds me of my ex dancing because he would do this pointing thing a la Travolta or something. It was humiliating!
Love love love love love this.
I really wish I had thought to have prepared The Husband with something like this...
THIS WAS GREAT! :) hahaha
This is one of the greatest things I have ever read.
I love it when my hubs is doing his own thing. His band practices twice a week and that means I get two nights to myself every week. I love it. Being away from him makes me appreciate him more when he is around. And it allows me to actually get some stuff done!
I'm Weeping here!
first, fojoy, no, it's not just you.
second, this is very important stuff to lay down before you get married (or preferably engaged!) and i'm sure glad you realize it! i definitely presented chris with a number of similar things on my agenda and i find they come in handy all the time!
like how i made him commit to kill all bugs, spiders, creeping things etc. that i ever saw inside and needed taken care of. no matter what he was doing or the time of day or how tiny the bug was, he had to kill it and flush it down the toilet. and the flushing part is crucial! so when i wake him up and tell him he's gotta kill and flush a spider, he just takes action like the good husband he is!
go go gadget arms!
This had me laughing so hard! My sauce is no longer normal. bwhahaha!
Love your blog!
LOVE this. I truly hope you meet your Astronaut Mike Dexter - he's out there and he better listen to your ideas, he'd be a fool to do otherwise!
Post a Comment