Man, prepare thyself

Dear Future Mister,

l'm not desperately seeking (and it's definitely not for Susan), but I've got a couple other friends who have inspired me to write you a letter. Since Lisa and Kelsey did such fine jobs in outlining what they require, I felt I should jump on the bandwagon.

First of all, I'm going to need you to be funny, and not just any kind of funny. You need to be a pleasant combination of dry wit, stupid puns and completely ridiculous funny. You will not, however, be practical joke funny, unless you want to sleep on a very uncomfortable sofa I will select for just such an occasion.

I don't really care what you wear (especially if you let me dress you once in a while) as long as you have some personal hygiene going on, especially dental. Clean teeth are hot, so get flossing, my love.

Also, can we play board games? Even if you don't like Scrabble, Monopoly or other classics because you're into Risk and Stratego, I'll suck it up once in a while if you will.

Now, it's not a requirement but I would absolutely love it if you cook. I don't mind doing it every once in a while, but if you cook, I will always clear the table and wash the dishes/let the dog lick them clean. Oh, and we're going to have a dog.

You'll need to allow me a little room for my crazy. I rather enjoy a good rant, and when I'm ranting, I need you to just nod supportively and say things like, "Serves him right, filthy punk!" even if you could care less or have no idea what I'm talking about.

While you don't have to be musically inclined or have any desire to perform, I need you to get that I am and I do. At times, this will involve late nights, weight loss/gain and a lot more ranting. Just know that after the performance, shows, etc., I will go to whatever sporting event, concert or Magic The Gathering meeting you want, and I'll even pretend to be happy about it. You're welcome.

Now, I'm not what I think of as being traditionally romantic. I don't think spewing "No, you hang up!" to each other on the phone is romantic. Nor do I find any romance in staring into each others eyes, naming what we love about each other. In fact, this will get my gag reflex up pretty quickly.

You know what's romantic as hell? DVRing an old 30 Rock episode because you know I like it. Or replacing all our light bulbs with energy efficient light bulbs because I'm a tree hugger, even though you think global warming is made up (although, we'll work on that). Having said that, I always love fresh flowers. You usually can't go wrong there (unless you do this).

Don't you dare use baby talk with me. I will end your life as well as our relationship.

I need you to be on 24/7 Bug Patrol. I don't like insects and I hate spiders, so I need you to take care of this. This doesn't mean you have to kill them, but I do need you to remove the offending creature. It's a bonus if you can do this without me ever knowing. If you see something that's going to upset me, all you have to do is say, "Pudding pop, look at your feet for 10 seconds." I will, without question, calmly oblige while you get rid of the perpetrator. Upon your return, provided you've washed your hands, I'll give you a big, sloppy kiss.

To sum up, I will also need you to like traveling, vegging out and ethnic food. Reign me in when I get all puffed up with righteous indignation and give me a little push when I need to put on my big girl pants and take care of business.

Also, shoving cake in my face at our wedding reception will earn you a one-way ticket to a very long, drawn out divorce where my lawyer will insist I have one sock out of every pair you own, just out of spite. Be advised.

Looking forward to it!

Sara