It's impossible to get rid of crabs

I may or may not have a midterm paper due tomorrow at 9am.

(For my nocturnal friends, yes, 9:00 in the morning is just as disgusting as you've heard.)

It's entirely possible that I have nothing more written than a title page.

(Title pages are for nerds and squares.)

It might be true that I am using this blog post as a means of distracting myself from starting/completing the aforementioned paper.

(Calm down.  It's only 20% of my grade.)

What is also likely is that I am planning on taking a much needed break at 11pm to watch Chelsea Lately.

(You guys, I'm not a machine.)

One might be under the impression that I am hesitant to commit to anything one way or the other.

(Speaking of waffling, I could really go for some flapjacks.  Too early for flapjacks?) 

It would not be out of the question to assume I've gone a little nutburgers and as I'm considering grabbing all the blankets and pillows in the house and making a fort in front of the TV.

(Is there a relation between chemical imbalances and the innate need to burrow?)

Maybe I feel ready to write my paper.

(My brother and I are currently discussing the pros and cons of red peppers.)

I just wrote a sentence fragment.  Perhaps this is the start of something!

(I'm for 'em!)

Spell Check and I are potentially going to get into a fight because she has decided "predesignated" is not a word.

(She's a stupid bitch.)

10:50pm already?  Probably time for a study break.

(I'm tired.  I should probably be in bed by midnight if I want to be worth anything tomorrow.)

Because I sense the distress you're feeling for me as you read this, I want to leave you with something uplifting, courtesy of the ever watchful pop culture eyeballs of the Blonde Blogette.

What's my motivation?

Let's be honest.

The term paper is an outdated custom enforced by our higher education system to check up on all the fancy book-learnin' we're soaking up by counting how many multi-syllabic words we use.  Nobody likes writing them and nobody likes reading them.  So, why perpetuate this ridiculous tradition?

Plus, I use big words all the time, like "dumbassedness", "craptitude" and "mother-lovin'-piece-of-"

Well, you get the point.

Deadlines be damned!

For those of you who are getting in on this mess for the first time (welcome, by the way!), I am a graduate student in a marriage and family therapy program and I'm not what you would call... academic.

Many would refer to me as lazy, but I challenge this label.

Would a lazy person have the energy to go out to dinner, eat a meal that should technically feed 3, follow up with dessert and then go home to watch The Goblet of Fire from beginning to end?

Just take a moment to ponder how much exertion that would require.  You're tired just thinking about it, aren't you?


In order to crank out the 20 pages I need to call this assignment complete, I took very proactive steps.  I moved my computer to the kitchen table so I couldn't be distracted by the television.  I got all my books and spread them out in front of me.  I even got two different beverages (coffee and water) so I would have no need to get up and dither around getting a drink.

None of it makes a damn bit of difference if I'm checking my e-mail, listening to my Pandora station I labeled as "Crap I Pretend Not To Like" and blogging.  All of which I am doing right now.

When I first sat down to my computer, there was a five minute period where I did, in fact, have a word document up and I had every intention of writing something truly profound.  This is what my brain came up with:

• Did I buy grapes yesterday?
• There's nothing quite like a really good highlighter.
• I have nice feet.
• Maybe I should get a fish.
• I have a lot of one dollar bills.  
• I wonder if people think I'm a stripper when I pay with them.
• I hope so.
• Hummus.

Wow.  3:30pm already?

Must be time for a break!