What, like it's hard?

Sounds like a dirty word, doesn't it?

That's because it is.

I have been putting mine off with the expertise of a seasoned veteran of the American higher education system.

Now, if you're familiar with the process required to achieve government funded financial aid for learning purposes, you are aware of what it takes to fill out this blessed piece of paperwork.

If you are unfamiliar, I'd like to help you.  Here are my steps for successfully completing your next FAFSA: 

• Wait until the deadline has passed by at least a week.
• Start this process in the morning.  This provides you with a greater chance of ruining your entire day.
• Don't even think about sitting down to the computer unless you have your tax returns, driver's license, 3 credit card statements, a fresh urine sample and a box of Munchkins within arm's reach.
• Start swearing profusely.  You're going to do it eventually so you may as well do it right.
• Enter your name.
• SAVE!
• Wipe the sweat off your brow and press on.
• Enter 17 more pages of personal information you've only told your priest or your cat.
• SAVE!
• It helps to call your dad several times throughout the process to announce, "This is hard!"
• Finish up my submitting the form and praying to the gods of FAFSA that they'll still process the paperwork despite your tardiness.
• Congratulate yourself on a job well done!

Now, don't get comfortable, because assuming  your FAFSA goes through without a hitch (and it won't), next you get to deal with a nameless, faceless corporation who will insist you sign over your first born and a bag of Fritos in exchange for money to attend school.

This can come in many forms, but if you're super lucky, you'll get to deal with one of the most hateful, degrading organizations in the history of evil:  Sallie Mae.

The only tips I have for you regarding that bitch would be to call a Sallie Mae customer service rep, forget that this person has feelings and do your best to make them cry.

Good luck!

Ghost stories for a modern age

Recently, I have had the distinct displeasure of being reacquainted with a particularly hateful shrew.

Many tales of horror surround her in mystery and darkness.

Some say she eats your children in the dead of night. Others claim she can wither crops and kill off livestock with a simple glance.

Worse yet, I've heard tell that she can actually bewitch you into willingly signing over all your money, assets and possessions, and eventually, your soul.

Yes, that's right. I'm talking about...............
.........Sallie. Mae.

This blistering harpie is tricky.

First, you will fill out all the paperwork and do exactly as you are told. You will submit this information, fully confident that there will be no problems as you followed the instructions to the letter and your helpful customer service rep. assured you all was well.

Next, you will receive multiple e-mails accusing you of late fees, incomplete forms or inaccurate information on your FAFSA.

Then, you will call the deceptive she-bat back and a brand new customer service rep. will claim ignorance regarding what the first person told you (and pretty much tell you how stupid you were to believe them) but give you all new details, insisting that this time it's for real.

After a couple weeks, she will lull you into a false sense of security and you will naively assume that no news is good news.

Bullshit.

It turns out, you were in default of payment and were therefore incurring multiple late fees, as well as additional charges for Sallie's pain and suffering.

Finally, you will call back, rip this particularly friendly customer service rep. a new one, throw around phrases like, "Never in my life...!" and "I want to be quite clear when I say...!" All the while, your robot of a CSR will agree with you and obsequiously promise to clear everything up immediately while you continue to threaten them and every member of their immediate family.

I would like to tell you that this is where the story ends, but...

...it's only the beginning!

Mwahahahahahahahahaha!