Lately, I've had a lot on my mind.
I've been thinking about poop.
What about it?
Um, only everything.
I'll just come out and say it. I am a person who fancies a good #2, and if you say any differently, I will call you a liar and a giant squirrel licker.
After the deed is done, you always feel better and you are then free to go about your daily tasks. However, before you've rocked your morning deuce, you are probably far more tightly wound and focused on what you don't do, rather than what you do... do.
Now, I understand that not everyone is a morning pooper. Some people aren't moved until the afternoon and others don't feel the spirit until late in the evening. Regardless, this is an important part of everyone's daily life.
Personally, I like to toss some nickels in the fountain first thing in the morning before I go to class/work/internship/acupuncture. If I am not allowed this opportunity, then my brief window of system cleansing is closed and I'm backed up for the rest of the day.
Why am I telling you this? Well, because I love an overshare. And so do many of you. And because I'm a 15-year old boy on the inside and I always think bodily functions are interesting and entertaining.
Mostly, I'm talking about this because I think of poop as the great equalizer. I may or may not have spoken of this before (I'm too lazy to look), but pooping is one of the few things that EVERYBODY DOES.
It doesn't matter if you're an accountant, a drug addict, a soccer mom or Shannon Doherty. You poop.
I wish it was considered polite in every culture to discuss it in great detail. I mean, how awesome would it be to show up to work 2 hours late only to run into your boss and say, "Hey, I'm sorry I'm late but I was waiting for last night's curry to work it's way through," and to have your boss respond with, "Ugh, I know what you mean. I've been backed up for days. I'm so jealous!"
This is the utopian society I've created in my head.
Some may call me a dreamer. Others may call me disgusting.
You may call me...
...regular.
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35 comments:
holy. moly. i laughed way too hard at this post! too many quotes that i WILL be using in the coming days. first and foremost: "squirrel licker". nothing to do with poop...but STILL a verbal gem!! thanks for the fabulous pre-bedtime laugh fest ;)
This post was the Shit!
Mainly because it was so full of it.
Oh, man -- In MY utopia, I'd say this to my boss:
"Hey, I really need to leave work a couple of hours early because I'm really constipated right now and really gassy, and you KNOW it feels better to be able to lie down at times like these."
"Agh! I can't believe you're still here! Go home now! I hope you feel better!"
I'd have to agree with you - it makes everything better. My grandmother's cure for EVERY tummy ailment was to "go to the bathroom". No kidding.
Tummy ache = go to the bathroom
Menstrual cramps = go to the bathroom
Bad attitude = go to the bathroom
Well, you get the idea...
Love. this. a lot.
Regular is a good thing to be.
I wouldn't know. But I have dreams.
And now I have overshared too.
words can not express the joy this brings to me. poop sure is a lovely thing. i think some people take it for granted. i think it's safe to say that most people that have been pregnant will not take pooping for granted. i'm glad that even pre-pregnancy, you recognize it's importance. i think i remember sister lisa once telling me about a very detailed conversation y'all had about poop... hmm, you should send her a copy of this.
There is a book that I just heard about that discusses women's secret grossness (when dudes aren't around). It covers such topics as pooping,laying in the couch in sweatpants with a pint of Ben and Jerry's on your chest, leg hair and all sorts of things like that. This post is very much on that tip. Embrace your deuce. Hell, flaunt it. Blog about it. BE FREE WITH IT!
The book was called Dirty Girls - The Naked Truth About Our Guilty Secrets.
I can't even express to you how much enjoyment I would get out of a conversation like that with a boss!
You are going to love being a mother someday. When you are poop is high on the Top Ten list of conversation topics.
A day without poop is like a day without sunshine, and stuff. ;)
What is this elusive "regular" you speak of? I'm unfamiliar. And backed up.
"I like to toss some nickels in the fountain in the morning," great line!
Though does illustrate what usually comes out of me in the least.
My gawd, I'd just about kill to be regular right now. I have been ALL MY LIFE... until recently, that is. And it makes me seriously cranky pants.
I have one girlfriend that I text back and forth with about dropping the kids at the pool. The texting isn't an everyday occurrence, of course... we only mention the extraordinary ones. But lately, because of my sudden irregularity, her texts have been making me jealous. It's like she's flaunting it. Makes me want to stab her. Beyotch.
I used to never care about the poop. If I didn't go it was no big deal. Didn't even think about it.
But now?? I have to go. And it better damn well be in the morning or I'm all backed up. In fact. I think my coffee's kicking in now, so if you'll excuse me...
ps, do you always look at it? i do. :)
Totally heart this. I just don't feel like it's a completely day unless I've dropped a deuce. I personally like to judge how healthy I've been based on what comes out. I'm an inspector.
I am a morning pooper. And I am not satisified unless I poop twice a day. Pooping is so amazing that I load up on fiber just to guarantee that early evening poop.
Plus, they say that pooping is actual healthy for you. So why can't we talk about it? It would just be like talking about our exercise routine.
Sara!
This made my day :) I find your blog quite funny and always look forward to what you'll say next.
Well done friend.
I've had these same thoughts and similar conversations many times before...but never quite so eloquently stated!!! It truly is the great equalizer.
As I've thought for years..."pooping is the most fun you can have without doing anything."
Sara without an H, your post is awesome! I've had these same thoughts and similar conversations many times before...but never quite so eloquently stated!!! Poop truly is the great equalizer.
As I've thought for years..."pooping is the most fun you can have without doing anything."
When I lived in dorms, this was pretty much a constant topic. See? These societies exist, they just tend to be hidden away in remote places like Lynchburg, Virginia... or maybe Boone, North Carolina?
You and my husband would along fantastically in your utopian society. :)
I'm pretty sure if you had submitted this as your college essay to IU that they would have just handed you the degree and you could have skipped four years of music theory.
I share your dream. It would be awesome if we could all just talk about it, rather than that awkward, "they know where you were when you said 'be right back' and were gone for fifteen minutes and you know that they know so you're all embarrassed" crap. Haha crap.
This sums up why I love you to bits!!! You freely discuss poop and have the mind of a 15 year old boy - no wonder I wanna be your BFF!
As I write this I am fighting the urge to go #2 here at work. I hate dooking at work, mostly I just like being in the privacy of my own home, where the toilet seat knows me and all is right in the world.
Thank you for shedding the light out there on all that is #2!
P.S. Since we're all 15 year old boy here you wanna go cruise the mall tonight and figure out which chicks are still stuffing their bras?
This is so great that I just read it aloud to Craig. He, too, has a small window during which he needs to shit, or else he's backed up for the day.
this post was crap. but i loved it.
:)
I find as I get older my window gets narrower and narrower. If I can't go between 9:00 and 9:30am, I am bunched up and uncomfortable until the next day. I might have to quit my job.
Ha, I'm not regular in the least.
I just go when I go.
Rarely alone though, usually Natalie follows me in, which is aggravating. I just want a PIP! (Poop in peace.)
You always know how to make me laugh!
Hil.ar.i.ous.
Kelly
Well you can call me jealous. How in the world does a girl get THAT regular? Also, how does a girl get Walter Cronkite to read her blog. I'm truly gassed.
Poop IS the great equalizer. And that's why bosses (stupid bosses) will never let that fly. They are rejecting equality. Bastards.
This? Is awesome!
My son who is 2 1/2 has recently become argumentative (embarrassed?) when I change his dirty diapers. The ONLY thing I can do/say to allow me to just get through this process is as follows:
me: JACKSON! EVERYONE POOPS! EVERYONE
j: ?????
me: JACKSON! mama poops!
j: ...dada poots?
me: yes! grandam poops, grandpa poops, Bernie (our cat) poops....
This goes on the ENTIRE time I am changing him and we literally go through every single person we know. I should actually record this some time...it would make a great blog post!
BEST.POST.EVER.
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