You know what happens when your car is in the shop and your town's public transportation system vaguely resembles a functioning alcoholic?
You ask your roommates to drop you off at the local coffee shop while they go on a 4 hour hike just so you can get out of the house.
And that's where I've been for the last 2 1/2 hours. I meant to bring my headphones so I could listen to Pandora and drown out all the other coffee patrons, but wouldn't you know it? I left them at home.
So, I've been forced to listen to some dumbass conversations, not to mention the cashier keeps slipping in and out of this forced country accent in between whistling to some very loud, uptempo harmonica music.
Really wish I'd brought my headphones.
A wildly attractive, vaguely Latino-looking man just came in. I tried to show him my left ring finger so he could see it was bare and that he could propose freely without my large boyfriend, Biff, showing up to challenge him to a backwoods game of corn hole for my hand in marriage.
He didn't care.
After my Latin lover left, a petite blonde in a long, leather trenchcoat came in and ordered "EXPRESSO." Not only was she a crime against fashion, but she had to offend me with her foul pronunciation.
I can't tell you how often I hear people say that and every single time, I want to rip my ears off and chuck them at the offender. There simply aren't enough ears in the world...
That is also the main reason I could never work in a coffee shop. I would correct the patron every single time. None of that "customer is always right" bullshit.
The only thing the cashier does that is louder than his whistling is snap. He snaps while he walks from place to place behind the counter.
Need a cup? Snap, snap, snap and walk over here.
Need a spoon? Snap, snap, snap and walk over there.
Have to grab something in the back? Snap, snappity, snap and go get it.
Is it in time to the obnoxiously loud ragtime/dixieland mixed CD he's chosen to play in the store for the last two hours? Of course not. But rest assured that what he lacks in rhythmic excellence, he makes up with sheer volume and enthusiasm.
Oh good, now there's humming. Very poor, very loud humming.
The whole time I've been sitting here, a number of groups have come in and plopped down in the couches all but three feet away. As is typical, at least one person in every party finds me particularly interesting and chooses to watch me like you would watch a sea monkey.
I imagine their inner monologue to go something like this:
"What's she working on? Is she studying? She types really fast. Why is she stabbing the keys like that? Don't type angry. Crap, she looked up. Now she knows I'm watching. I can't look away. What if she moves? I'll miss it! She has big hair. I wonder if I put a pencil in it if she would even feel it. Damn it, she's looking again. Pretend to read that magazine! Better Homes and Gardens? Ugh, why would anyone- hey, I didn't know you could make a Thanksgiving centerpiece using a summer squash and a pipe cleaner. Shit, focus. She moved again! Wow, she's really snorking down that muffin..."
At the very least, I hope someone was entertained by watching me blog about someone watching me blog.
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19 comments:
With headphones, this blog entry might have sucked. Look at how things worked out! I love your people watching blog!
Yeah, watching the general public makes me worry for the future of our country. Next time bring a virtual reality helmet. Then you could block them out and really give them something to stare at.
Sorry to hear that a marriage proposal wasn't forthcoming, but then you did manage to post to your blog. Always a silver lining. ;)
I like that your Latin lover would not just have to fight for your hand, but in a game of cornhole. Nice touch.
My son has a friend who does the snappity snap thing. I want to break his fingers after about 3 minutes of it.
I love people watching (but not people watching me). There was a time when I was younger (ie: in college) when four hours in a coffee shop wasn't long enough. Now I am so busy I just feel guilty about sitting around drinking coffee, even if I am doing something productive like work or writing, etc.
I can't snap my fingers, but I am a damn good clapper.- G
Well stranding you in a coffee shop got you to blog so it wasn't a total loss.
That sounds like an interesting afternoon.
You know, every time I hear the word "chuck" I think about that commercial where the guy is pissed because the woodchucks are chucking his wood, so he yells at them to stop, and the woodchuck chucks one more for good measure before they run off. I love that commercial.
I, for one, am very entertained. And curious about the squash & pipecleaner centrepiece. Not that I make centrepieces. But I'm curious nonetheless.
You need to go to this coffee shop more often...it makes for some great entertainment for the rest of us.
Also. Express? Prostrate? Alltimers. That shit bugs me bad.
i can't stand when people say 'suposibly' or 'conversate'. it makes me want to punch somebody.
i pretty much murder my keyboard with fast stabby typing every single time. it's a gift.
Because nothing says, "I will defend your honor" like a backwoods game of corn hole.
Biff! Ha!
Coffee shops are notorious werido nets! I have witnessed some of the oddest events there.
Next time, have your roommate drop you at a bar! I'd LOVE to read a drunkin Sara post!
Haha. Love this post. I wish I would have known you were so bored, you could have come to my apartment. Next time give me a call. :]
if you watched my husband and i in a coffee shop (not likely though since we don't drink coffee) you would have a field day with us. between his horrifying grammar mistakes (i swear he's a genius and stanford thinks so too but being a lawyer's daughter, i at least can recognize my mistakes) and my braindead blonde comments. oh man, i would love to read a post on that.
but as usual, this post was a work of art. i sent your post on poop to my brother, walter (pretty sure he commented) and he agrees that you have a gift of which the rest of the world has been denied. blog on dear sara.
snap, snap, snap.
Who the fuck whistles to harmonica music? That just really grates my nerve bone.
I was!
Oh, you need to remember, they're watching you because of your mesmerizing beauty.
That happens often for me. Sometimes when I'm feeling benevolent, I'll even look over at the stunned and staring person, and offer a smile that says, "I accept your feeble adoration."
Do it. You'll feel better.
And benevolent.
I think you should know that I'm pretty sure you're barista is Monk. And also..why is a lawyer a barister? What does that even mean? How do you make a Thanksgiving centerpiece using a pipe cleaner? And can I tell you the first time I tried to order a Starbucks drink it came out as "I would like to order a grand - no soft, frenchy A - soy late with whipped cream"? At least I got the whipped cream part right. But I don't know a single southern girl who hasn't had whipped cream in or on her at some point. So, really it would be a crime if I got it wrong. And I hate that you had to learn this lesson the hard way, young Jedi...but you ALWAYS take your headphones to the coffee shop. Always. And your My Little Pony placemat. Those tables are gross.
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