I like to eat. Was that not clear?

I do so enjoy my recreational dining experiences.

Rarely do I find myself wanting to cook at meal times... or at any other time, for that matter.

Well, that's not true. I get cooking whims. I'm sort of like the carnival when I cook. I show up unannounced, make a big mess and then leave in the middle of the night without cleaning up. While I like to think I'm getting better, I still prefer going out to eat. Let's be honest. It all comes down to knowing your strengths and weaknesses.

My strengths: eating, having conversations with inanimate objects, flossing
My weaknesses: cooking, procrastination, vegetable consumption

The point of all this is that tonight, my parents and I ate our weekly Friday pizza at our weekly Friday pizza chain.

Now, at this particular establishment, we have somewhat spotty service. (That's not really the point. We like the food and the service is part of the ambiance we enjoy so much.) Sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get your server to come back to your table for a refill, extra napkins or a fire extinguisher, but other times you want to say, "For the last time, Jeanine, it's delicious. Now, go away."

This particular evening, we were BOMBARDED with service. I was offered a refill on my iced tea probably 7 times within a 5 minute period. No exaggeration is required for I speak the truth. Every server in the joint was working our table at some point.

"Can I get you a refill?"
"I'll get you a box for that!"
"Would you like me to get those plates out of your way?"
"I've cleaned your gutters. Would you like me to pave your driveway?"

The fun of it all is that next Friday, it will probably be the exact opposite.

"Actually, I asked for Sprite. I think this is vinegar."
"Um, it's been 4 hours. Is our pizza ready yet?"
"Carol? We need forks. Carol? CAROL!"
"Yeah, I guess we can share our table with another family, but they can get their own damn garlic bread."

Now, don't get me wrong. I recognize that being a waiter/waitress is hard work. Why do you think I don't do it? (Little known fact: Waiter is Swedish for, "Get it yourself, punk.")

All I really want is consistency. If you're going to be outstanding, then you must always live up to my expectations. If you're going to suck, suck something fierce. It's the back and forth I find so exhausting.

And for the love of circus people, would somebody find Carol and tell her that we need forks?!