If I wanted to lick a hippie, I'd return Joan Baez's phone calls

Last Sunday, I got all up in nature.

I went down to a swimming hole with my friends Gilda* and Consuela*.  We built a fire, ate hamburgers and drank wine straight from the bottle like the classy broads we are.

And as wacky as that was for me, the real madness didn't start until later in the day.

After our romp in nature had concluded, we started hiking back to Consuela's car.  As we got closer, we saw a half-naked gentleman standing nearby.  When he saw us, he darted into the bushes.

As we reached the car, the half-naked gentleman reappeared from the brush.  While he was very good looking, he also smelled like decomposing wombat.

Half-naked gentleman: Are you guys with the group?  (I moved to stand upwind of him.)
Consuela: What group?
HNG: The raw foods group.
All three of us: -crickets-
HNG: My name is Hansel* and I'm the leader of a raw foods seminar.  We've been walking through the forest and eating all we can!
Me: Of course you are.
Consuela: Wait- like berries and shit or like squirrels?
HNG: (obviously annoyed) We eat plants.  You can eat so many things, you know!
All three of us: -crickets-

Hansel soon tired of us and returned to his group.  We got in the car and started back up the mountain, but this group of tree-lickers wouldn't get out of our way.

It had just started raining when a man from the group walked right up to the car and said, "Are you headed up the mountain?"

We weren't sure how to respond because we didn't know which answer would keep him from getting in the car with us.

"Well, we're headed back to her apartment," Consuela said, pointing to Gilda.

"Great, I need a lift."  He opened the car door and started to hop in.

"Oh, are you girls headed back up the mountain?"

We heard another voice and saw an older woman leaning heavily on a walking stick, making her way to the car.

 Oh, hell.

The first guy had already started to get in the car next to Gilda.  The woman was looking into the car hopefully.

The backseat was already full with Gilda, her dog and this rather forward man who proclaimed to have a broken toe.  The woman got in, complaining of a broken foot.

As the woman got in, a third person came up to the driver's side window and said, "Do you have room for one more?"

I was about to ask these people if they were mistaking this Mitsubishi for a clown car, but Gilda was quick to respond that there was no more room in the inn.

Looking back at our passengers, I glanced at Consuela and mumbled, "I'm going to look for something sharp..."

With all 6 of us strapped in and Consuela's gas light flashing at us, we started to make our way back up the mountain.

When we dropped off our stowaways, the man made a point of saying, "The next time you need a favor, it'll be there for you.  I promise."

You betcha.

We were grateful to have the vehicle back to ourselves and that no one tried to cleanse our auras by setting the car on fire while shoving fig leaves down our throats.

Before heading back to Gilda's apartment, we stopped off at the local abandoned transcendentalist temple and trespassed like professionals.

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

So, while this was one of the most interesting and bizarre experiences I've ever had, I'm pretty sure for a lot of people it would be classified as just another day in Boone.



*I have changed the names in this story purely for my own amusement.