How many times has this happened to you?
You're sitting at your desk in your office, pounding away at your keyboard.
It's about 9am and suddenly, you feel your morning coffee kick in.
You have to go now.
You get up and start to casually, yet quickly, make your way toward the bathroom down the hall (fewer people use it due to proximity, which is why you use it).
You're almost out of your department when-
"Hey, how was your weekend?"
Holy mother of God.
It's Brenda from Development. Once she hooks you into a conversation, it's hard to get away. You know you have a small window of time and you have to act fast.
"Great, Brenda. How was yours?"
"Oh, just fine! I-"
"Glad to hear it," and start to turn away, but she's not done.
"I got to see the grandkids on Saturday," she starts, while little beads of sweat pop up on your forehead.
"I'll bet that was nice," you reply, while trying to disguise the odd gurgling sounds coming from your stomach with a cough.
"It was. They're just so sweet. Then, on Sunday, Glen took me to Red Lobster for our anniversary!"
"Congratulations! I do love their biscuits. Well, I'll see you later, Brenda!"
And you're off!
By this time, you're doing your yoga breathing and praying to the gods of Toilet Fairness that you will have the bathroom to yourself.
Upon arrival, you silently curse when you hear another toilet flush. So, you hurry past to get into your stall (second to last from the bathroom door) before the other person comes out and recognizes you.
You listen to this other person (who is apparently the slowest hand-washer in the world) as they move around the sinks, gathering their belongings and finally... you hear the door open and close.
You may wait a moment or two, just to make sure no one else came in while the other one left.
And then, if you're like me, you thank God for the existence of the public sanitation system.
This used to happen to me at least once a week.
Why is it that the moment you feel the urgency for the facilities, someone shows up, dying to show you their vacation pictures from the Linoleum Factory? Or tell you a funny story about
what their gerbil did last weekend?
Does this only happen to me? Do you have a Brenda that has a hand in damaging your colon on a daily basis?
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29 comments:
Hmmm, well, this explains why I have a talent for social awkwardness. I would totally just say something like "can't talk, gotta run". Not that that's that awkward, but it makes me think about other situations where I find bluntness totally appropriate. Now someone even blunter would probably lay it all out "gotta drop the kids off at the pool, talk to you later!".
Yes, I used 3 that's in a row, legitimately. Where's the award for that??
Happens to me all the dang time. And I use the same stall, second from the end, away from the door. Crazy.
Not anymore. 1/2 of the time I am A.L.O.N.E. in the office.
I did work for a big corporation that and that indeed was facilites hell.
My husband can act like Brenda sometimes. He'll start prattling on and I feel bad saying, "Dude, wrap it up, I've gotta PEE!"
I try my darndest to go regularly at home, because I really hate doing it at work. Sometimes I'll grab a can of Febreeze from the broom closet and take it in the stall with me, just in case someone walks in. I definitely have a Brenda in my office but I just have to tell her point blank where I'm heading, end of discussion. Sometimes she talks to the back of my head when I'm walking away. - G
I work with 40 first and second graders who think loose teeth ALWAYS trump bladder/bowel urgency. Oh, how wrong they are! When teeth exit, they don't gurgle and writhe. Plus, no one has ever left a shiny silver dollar under my pillow even after my most impressive loo rendezvous . . . .
eeeek! my bathroom is the WORST and we have the LOUDEST SMELLIEST poopers ever...blechhh
The worst! Been there, done that!
***Ally
One of my pet peeves is when people try to talk to me in the bathroom. Seriously, last thing I want to do while holding my penis is have a conversation with another guy. Just keep your eyes forward, shut the hell up and let me pee in peace.
Of course on the other front, my codename for the bathroom is the library. "Yeah I gotta make a trip to the library, I'll be back in a bit." And I'll head off with a magazine, book or newspaper... All's well and good... except the time I run into the COO in the bathroom and he starts to chat me up (see above). I politely make conversation with him, while discretely trying to not draw attention to the book I was about to go into the stall with. Yeah I'm sure that went over well.
of course Brenda is from Development. of course she is. c'mon, man! couldn't she have been from Accounting or Reception or Engagement or something? as a Development professional i just want you to know that i'll never impede a bathroom trip for you. you're welcome.
Hey there. Found you through GunDiva. Great stuff. Makes glad I work from home. In my previous life in the cube farms, it was the handicap stall for me. JP is right too. Men are not supposed to talk to each other at the urinals.
The Brendas of the world are everywhere.
It's pretty terrible.
And their inability to take a I-don't-want-to-talk-to-you-right-now hint makes me very blunt. Blunt in an "excuse me, I don't want to pee on the floor" sort of way.
But at least it gets rid of them quickly!
Oh, Brenda. Why can't it just wait until I have nothing better to do?
I totally hate peeing when other people are in the bathroom, too. I love that my job makes that occurance very rare :)
LOL! We DO have a Brenda, but we call her Linda. She files and like to sort her papers at a desk near the restroom. It gave us (us meaning my family that I work with) such a complex we had to move the desk lest she share in our morning poop sessions.
This has definitely happened. And it's the worst! I hate sneaking in so the other person won't recognize me.
HAhahahah,,, well written that totally makes me crazy,, to the point where sometimes I worry about if I drink a coffee where the bathroom will be in a few hours..
Does that make me geriatric? Should I look into one of those 'pills'
hahaha
D
Oddly enough, I'm sitting here with my empty coffee cup experiencing exactly what you described. Luckily I'm at home.
School is easy- remember that bathroom in the basement of the Simon building? With like, a million stalls? Handicapped stall at the very end. I will actually miss it. I'm not even trying to be funny. I really will.
Oh man, this used to happen to me ALL the time at work. And it got to be such a habit with me and my 2 co-workers who sat in cubes right next to mine that we had to stagger our coffee so we wouldn't CLOG the bathroom at the same time. And we'd even come up with a code so nobody from our area would come in while we were doing the deed...CKI and rush to the can. We'd say "CKI!" Which means "coffee kicked in." Which means, BACK OFF, I'M GOING TO CRAP NOW!
Okay, so the stomach rumbles do definitely happen to me, but since i work in a 3-person office, it doesn't really matter. Unless someone wants to go in right after you, which is just a moment of stupidity on their part. BUT i did use to work for a big ole company and that shit (literally) happened to me all the time. So, yes, i feel your pain.
oh it happens to me. you know what pisses me off even more? when I have to GO and someone comes into the bathroom and decides to use it as a conference room to freaking take a call on their GD cell phone.
UGGHH. Pisses me off.
Kiran
I can't say this ever happened to me. But I know whenever I have to be somewhere fast, magically, slow people are walking in front of me on the sidewalk, and they somehow manage to take up the entire thing, making it hard to pass them. Awesome.
hey girl, before i start, just a reminder that you are top blog of the week tomorrow and would you be so kind as to put a little blurg on your post so people will know they have happened upon the correct blog? thanksomuch
well i do not work so i can't sympathize but my children do enjoy sitting on my lap while i pee or poop, not the 7 yr old (anymore) he's too heavy, but the 17 mth old brings me a book and i have to read to her while i empty my bladder and bowels which is actually semi-helpful b/c i have to read when i poop anyhow.
tmi = win
short comment = fail
I don't work in an office but I have a neighborhood FULL of Brendas ... and they always want to stop and chat when I'm finishing up a long run ... and for anyone else out there that finishes up long runs the way I do, well, you know what I mean.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Hilarious. Love it. So glad this happens to other people. And I'm so glad I don't work in a public place anymore, either. :)
And, yes, as a marathon runner, I definitely know what S.L.N is talking about! That's the worst...
ugh. i don't have a consistent brenda, but i work in a coffee shop and sometimes a girl's just got to go, but then there's a huge line of customers and you're stuck for another half hour trying not to let anything drop. double ugh.
I don't hang out in my office too often. I keep it on the DL and do my own thing. (I'm a home health therapist.)
This is the NUMBER ONE reason why I'm so glad I work from home. This used to happen to me at least once a week. One night of one-too-many-margaritas paired with an espresso the next morning would become a 9:30 emergency. I got pretty good at saying "Be right back! Gotta pee!" (Because girls will willingly discuss the need to pee...even though poo is off the table..well, for me anyway). By the way, in getting all caught up on my blog posts today, I've discovered y'all LOVE to talk about poo. ;)
I think I am the 29th person to comment on poop and Brenda. This is amazing.I had no idea this was such a common thing. My Brenda's name is Jane. She's obsessed with my boyfriend.
What kind of office do you work in? I'm in insurance and your office sounds the exact same as mine! hah
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