As much as it pains me to do this, I owe you an apology.
This tastes like a giant ass cracker.
For the last seven months or so, I have been pretty rude to you.
Now, you need to own part of that because you definitely earned a lot my swears, what with your narrow ass roads, your turn signal resistant residents and, of course, your Target deficiency.
However, when my four letter words are undeserved, I will take responsibility.
This morning as I was leaving for class, I put a few cards and a Netflix movie in the mailbox and flipped up that cute, red flag to alert Il Postino of the pick-up.
When I returned to the house later this evening, I was confused to see that same cute, red flag in the same position.
I checked the box, hoping Il Postino (most overrated movie ever, by the way) had merely forgotten to drop the flag.
My reaction at seeing the mail went a little something like this (and Boone, you may want to skip this part):
Of course not! Why on EARTH should the @!#$%&? mail get picked up today? No reason! No no, thank YOU, Boone. Thank you so much for your unwavering determination to separate yourself from other cities through little, &%$#@! unimportant things like this. I mean, God forbid you pick up the @$&?!# mail EVERY. SINGLE. #$@?%&. DAY.
I went inside my house, absolutely seething. After bitching to my roommate about how ridiculous you are, I went to my room to check my e-mail. I saw that I had a message from Borders with a free President's Day coupon.
Admittedly, I cursed your name again because you don't have a Borders. But then, I caught on.
President's Day.
Today.
Oh.
Um, my bad?
Okay, I know that's not good enough. I dragged your name through the mud pretty hard, using all sorts of verbally abusive, yet creative, literary devices (I may or may not have compared you to an overweight ferret's sphincter).
The point is, I was wrong and I apologize.
You were right not to pick up my mail today and I should not have told you to kiss, lick or eat anything. I especially should not have said it so loudly because I'm pretty sure my neighbors, and their children, hear most of my colorful diatribes.
Sorry, neighbor child!
I hope we can use this as a jumping off point to turn our relationship into something tolerable!
Your (temporary) citizen,
Sara
P.S. If you somehow got Chick-Fil-A to stay open on Sundays, all would be forgiven forever.
33 comments:
i don't like the town in which i attend school either. small little run of the mill place with almost nothing to do. but at least its an education right? right? oh well.
Oops.
Oopsie.
It's okay, I forgot that we didn't get mail today too.
I asked Mrs Ryan if I had to pick up a Ryanette from after school practice... she answered me like I was on crack... "What? Everyone's at home!" Uhhh... oh. yeah. No school today. ok, nevermind.
We don't have Borders but Waldenbooks in the mall takes the coupons from Borders. The selection is not fantastic but with a good coupon I bet you can find something. I think Boone will forgive you.
I was cursing the Netflix God Saturday when my queue said that my movies would be here 2/16 instead of 2/15, what the frig happened to Monday!! I yelled at the computer - then I realized it was a holiday.
Yeah, they should be in the mailbox today.
LOL Oops.
I have to drive 45 minutes to Target. :(
No Chick-fil-a stays open on Sunday, if that makes you feel any better.
Okay, I'm so lameballs, I was like "dear boone...? oh! that guy that was on LOST!! He's cute. I wonder if he would like me in real life. I mean, forget I'm married, this is imagination stuff..."
And my brain went all over the country and world with Boone and our pretend love affair before I even started reading.
Yeah, I curse my town all the time. So don't feel bad, because you can bet your ass the town will do something stupid to make up for it.
Awesome writing, how funny to turn a seemingly mundane occurrence into a funny post! Hilarious!
When I moved to Germany (and for the next 6 1/2 years) I frequently cursed the idiocy of not putting mozzarella on pizza, the lack of translatable websites, and stores closing at 8 p.m. (Actually I grew to like that one - makes you more organized)
Eventually you get used to most of it, and the rest you just enjoy that much more when you go back to home, or someplace at least more sensible.
Good luck!
Much as I can appreciate giving employees a day off, I think the lack of Chick-Fil-A on Sundays is one of life's great tragedies. At least it's comforting to know, in a misery-loves-company sort of way, this this happens everywhere there is a Chick-Fil-A.
But how is a girl supposed to survive without a Target?!
Oh, I hate it when I'm wrong about something like that. But at least it wasn't with a person that you actually had to apologize to. That sucks waaaaaaay worse.
I hate trying to figure out what day things will be closed and what not. It gets old. I think if I have to work so should the government!
Hahaha...the pic of the neighbour boy sold it for me. Hilarious!
Haha. This time last year my husband was at bootcamp and we only had letters as communication. I cursed the postal service and their acknowledgment of government holidays by refusing to deliver mail many a time. XD
Nope, I'm still angry. Presidents Day, seriously? They don't even make shirts for that holiday. The mail certainly ran today on MARDI GRAS, but not yesterday. What kind of *&^$ is that?? Cuss you Boon. Cuss you.
LoL. An Overweight Ferret's sphincter. LMAO.
cape cod is so craptastic we don't even have a chik-fil-a, or a target, or a walmart, or, basically anything that would make my life more wonderful.
No Target? Horrors!
I was choosing between two schools for undergrad and after visiting both towns, I went with the slightly bigger small town with eight times as many people. We didn't have a Target, either, but at least I didn't have to drive 20 minutes to go to Hardee's! :)
(And Chick-fil-a on Sunday would be awesome. It would taste SO much better on Sunday.)
hahaha... I love the picture of the child. That's funny!
I don't think that a Chick Fil A will EVER stay open on Sundays. So sad.
I made the same mistake yesterday BTW. Running around like a chicken with my head cut off looking for a stamp because something HAD TO GET MAILED. Until someone told me to calm down because there was no mail. And then I felt dumb. The end.
Don't feel bad. I accused my husband of hiding my Entertainment weekly yesterday. In the first place EW comes on Saturdays. Second - duh.
WTF is up with Chik Fil A??? Sunday is a perfect day for one of their milkshakes.
I hope you know I had fun replacing your comic-book swears with actual curse words :)
For what it's worth, I'd still be mad. I mean, come on... if *I* don't get Presidents Day off, why should the government? I bet I don't get out of paying income taxes on national holidays...
So I am pretty sure what you told boone to kiss. I am also pretty sure I know what you told Boone to eat. And I can harbor a guess on what you asked him to lick but I sure would like to hear it from your mouth. Please?
I foresee this new truce lasting about a 16 hours. I mean, with no Borders, how can you be expected to send ANY lurve in Boone's direction?? But if you get them to hold the Chick-Fil-A open on Sundays, then I'M going to be BFF with Boone because I can't tell you how many Sunday afternoons I've shown up there with drool on my chin, only to be forced to satisfy with Wendy's. It's not right. But it's not Boone's fault. It's God's.
It takes a big woman to revoke a directive to kiss, lick, and eat various things.
I suggest using fake curses like "son of a mustard seed" or "schick razors" or "dark farts." That way, if it turns out you were wrong about making such flamboyant accusations, you're apologizing only for G-rated word strings and not for-reals cuss word doozies.
I also think you should forward this blog to Chick-Fil-A. It can't hurt.
OH, MY...That neighbor kid pic is just so pitiful!! Love it!!
Lafayette has been lumped in with your Boone. Apparently, F*%$/& Lafayette thinks it's cute NOT to show any of this year's Oscar nominated movies at our theater. Oh, no!! I would have to travel to Baton Rouge or New Orleans! WTF???
Also? Your Mother F'ing shopping blows, Lafayette!!
Thanks Sara. I feel better:)
same thing happened to me. Except I was on my way to the BANK. for money. for groceries.
Overweight ferret's sphincter? Whoa, that's harsh. However, you should never apologize to your letter carrier as they will only let you down in the future.
hahahah.
and chick fil a isn't open ANYWHERE on sundays!
Yes, but it SHOULD be.
If they open your Chick-Fil-A on Sundays it'll probably be for the purpose of spitting in your food.
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