Daniel Boone was a shit

I hate where I live.  I hate it a lot.

I have been residing in this mountain paradise for a year and a half.  The first two days were charming.  The next year wore me down.  The last 6 months have been repeatedly stabbing me in the pancreas with a salad fork.  And not in a fun way.

Perhaps you have been in a similar situation, or maybe you're experiencing it right now.  As I am in a program designed to whip me into shape so I may aspire to be the spitting image of a real, live therapist, let me help those of you who may be struggling to understand and overcome your situation.

Step #1: Identifying Emotions

It's entirely possible you're having trouble pinpointing whether or not you hate where you live.  Allow me to help clarify this for you with the following questionnaire:

1. Do you like to pretend you live somewhere better?  San Diego?  Miami?  Duluth? 
2. Are you curling up in the fetal position on your bathroom floor more than usual?
3. Have you lashed out at local law enforcement for "being on a power trip?"
4. Do you find yourself arguing with inanimate objects, such as traffic or wind?
5. Are you engaging in long talks with yourself more than live persons?  Do you use accents?  Are there characters?  If you're choosing a Russian persona, have you decided your name is Natasha, you're blonde and you combat self-esteem issues by attending Jazzercise classes?
6. Have you had fantasies of fashioning a giant meat thermometer out of  recycled coffee stirrers and repeatedly jamming it into the next person who expresses disbelief at your distaste for hiking, outdoor activities and nature in general?

If you answered "yes" to #1, 2, 3, 4 or 6, you hate where you live and you're pretty angry about it.

(#5 was a trick.  Do not mock Natasha.  It will mean big trouble for moose and squirrel.)

Step #2: Expressing Anger in a Healthy Fashion (The Dos and Don'ts of Going Apeshit)

Now that you know you hate where you live and you're somewhat bent out of shape about it, you may be thinking, "Help me, Sara!  I need healthy outlets to express my uncontrollable stabbiness!"

I hear you.

Let's go over some healthy, and maybe some not so healthy, ways of channeling your hatefulness.

DO take extra time to breathe, meditate or pray.  And if you get sleepy, turn it into a nap.

DO NOT assault your co-worker's potted ivy plant because it "got all up in my space!"

DO focus on the positives of being crabby.  People will probably stop asking you for favors.

DO NOT pass on free food in the break room at work just because you don't want to associate with people.  Fix your plate, do not engage with anyone and head back to your office.  They'll assume you're really busy.

DO express your struggles with your boss so he/she knows what you're dealing with.

DO NOT expect your boss to care.

DO show empathy for others, as you would appreciate that same empathy from another.

DO NOT throw a full blown temper tantrum when coming home from your internship because the road that connects to the street where you live is currently blocked off by the Fuzz due to a giant fire further on up the mountain that is threatening to spread because of the 50 mph. wind gusts.  This has the potential to make you appear just a tiny bit selfish and/or psychotic.

Step #3: Utilizing Self-Soothing Techniques

The third and final step is to employ any strategy that helps you feel better about the fact that you live in a crowded, ass-backward little town that seems to have something against Coke products and any business that stays open later than 6pm on a weekend.

Not sure what you can do to help yourself?  Scan the following list for helpful hints and suggestions when feeling stuck or like you want to punt bunnies.

• If your town is super crunchy, boycott granola.  It's the principle, damn it.
• Draw a picture of your spirit animal.  Now, tell that spirit animal to get you a burrito.
• Fill up your gas tank, put some air in your tires and clean your windshield.  Seriously, this works.  I did it today and I felt super capable and accomplished.
• Talk to that one friend who lets you say incredibly mean, self-centered and inappropriate things without judging you.
• Get the Final Jeopardy question right.  Sometimes you have to be smart to do this one, but not always.  And if it happens, it's totally worth it.
• Call your parents and remind them that you hate where you live.  It's possible they forgot as it has probably been 17 minutes since last you told them.
• Think about showering, then decide against it in favor of writing a cathartic blog post.

If you successfully complete each step, you'll probably look something like this:



I mean, or not.  Whatever.

I hate it here.